I am sitting in an apartment under the shadow of the Space Needle — at least, it would be if the sun ever rose directly in the north. I can see the Olympic Mountains, the sound, and some islands from here. Enzo is eating breakfast beside me: it sounds delicious. I am afraid it will be hard to concentrate long enough to do a proper update. You’ll all just have to manage your teams without my constant sniping today.
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 36 | 20 | .635 | — | 322.1 | 244.0 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 35 | 24 | .590 | 2.3 | 287.6 | 236.3 |
| Haviland Dragons | 34 | 23 | .591 | 2.4 | 269.8 | 227.2 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 32 | 25 | .567 | 3.7 | 272.5 | 235.4 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 31 | 25 | .555 | 4.5 | 280.4 | 250.8 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 29 | 27 | .519 | 6.5 | 258.8 | 248.8 |
| Peshastin Pears | 28 | 31 | .482 | 8.7 | 242.9 | 253.2 |
| Cottage Cheese | 25 | 31 | .447 | 10.5 | 252.9 | 279.0 |
| Kaline Drive | 22 | 35 | .381 | 14.4 | 255.1 | 327.2 |
| D.C. Balk | 16 | 41 | .281 | 20 | 207.9 | 337.3 |
Old Detroit: W 1, L (-1); (-5) – (-7).
Portland: W, 5 – 4.
Haviland: W 1, L 1; 8 – 6.
Canberra: L, 5 – 5.
Pittsburgh: W 1, L 1; 10 – 11.
Flint Hill: W 1, L (-1); 6 – (-2)
Peshastin: L, 0 – 5.
Cottage: W 1, L 1; 10 – 11.
Kaline: W 0, L 2; 4 – 15.
D.C.: W, 8 – 3.
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 36 | 20 | .635 | — |
| Baltimore Orioles | 33 | 23 | .589 | 2.6 |
| Boston Red Sox | 33 | 24 | .579 | 3.1 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 31 | 28 | .525 | 6.1 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 29 | 27 | .519 | 6.5 |
| New York Yankees | 27 | 30 | .474 | 9.1 |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 26 | 30 | .464 | 9.6 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Washington Nationals | 34 | 23 | .596 | — |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 32 | 25 | .567 | 1.7 |
| New York Mets | 31 | 24 | .564 | 2 |
| Miami Marlins | 30 | 27 | .526 | 4 |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 28 | 30 | .483 | 6.5 |
| Atlanta Braves | 16 | 41 | .281 | 18 |
| D.C. Balk | 16 | 41 | .281 | 18 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Cleveland Indians | 32 | 24 | .571 | — |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 31 | 25 | .555 | 0.9 |
| Kansas City Royals | 30 | 27 | .526 | 2.5 |
| Detroit Tigers | 29 | 28 | .509 | 3.5 |
| Chicago White Sox | 29 | 28 | .509 | 3.5 |
| Minnesota Twins | 16 | 40 | .286 | 16 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Chicago Cubs | 40 | 16 | .714 | — |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 30 | 26 | .536 | 10 |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 30 | 27 | .526 | 10.5 |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 26 | 31 | .456 | 14.5 |
| Cottage Cheese | 25 | 31 | .447 | 15 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 21 | 36 | .368 | 19.5 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Texas Rangers | 35 | 22 | .614 | — |
| Haviland Dragons | 34 | 23 | .591 | 1.3 |
| Seattle Mariners | 31 | 26 | .544 | 4 |
| Houston Astros | 28 | 31 | .475 | 8 |
| Los Angeles Angels | 26 | 31 | .456 | 9 |
| Oakland A’s | 25 | 32 | .439 | 10 |
| Kaline Drive | 22 | 35 | .381 | 13.3 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| San Francisco Giants | 35 | 24 | .593 | — |
| Portland Rosebuds | 35 | 24 | .590 | 0.2 |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 31 | 28 | .525 | 4 |
| Peshastin Pears | 28 | 31 | .482 | 6.6 |
| Colorado Rockies | 26 | 31 | .456 | 8 |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 25 | 35 | .417 | 10.5 |
| San Diego Padres | ||||
Since our beloved commissioner–currently on trial, but still beloved–is playing with his grandchildren and is too busy to provide a real update, I am taking this opportunity to bring you up to speed on your second-favorite EFL team: the Cheese.
Cottage fans everywhere were thrilled when the month began with the Cheese in first place. (In the monthly standings, of course. Isn’t that where we’re supposed to look?) The batters were batting, the pitchers were pitching, everything was great – for about three days. Even Sonny Gray, who used to be good, was looking good again. Puig, of course, was benched, so he left the team and went home to the DL.
New Cheese such as Nomar Mazara and Mallex Smith continue to carry the team, along with a resurrected Matt Adams (see, Cardinals, I *told* you!) and returning Cheese Wil Myers.
But Cottage pitching has reverted to its early-2016 norms. Rising star Matt Wisler seems to have burnt out. Media-acclaimed Yankee ace Nathan Eovaldi has changed back into the wasted-potential Nathan Eovaldi whom we have long known.
But we have hope – two young pitchers, Michael Fulmer and Archie Bradley, are looking better than anyone expected. Let’s hope that no one tells them that they are Cheese!