League Updates

Universe Gets Bent? Just Fine.

July 5, 2016
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The universe bends toward justice, they say.  They also say the wheels of justice grind slow, but exceedingly fine.

Two days into the season, Kaline’s Dexter Fowler ran into Old Detroit’s Kyle Schwarber in left center field and did his best to destroy the Wolverines’ title hopes.  I cried for justice.  For a while nothing happened.  Eventually Fowler suffered a piddly little injury of his own, enough for a short trip to the DL.  “OK,” I said to the universe,  “thanks for the gesture.”

Then yesterday Flint Hill’s Alberto Almora ran into Kaline’s Kris Bryant in left center field and forced Bryant out of the game.  Not immediately — not like Schwarber, whose season was over the instant Fowler hit him.  Bryant finished the inning in left field, but was pinch-hit for on his next at-bat. He apparently has a “contusion”  and is likely to be ready to play today.

But I am not a vengeful man.  It is enough.  Universe: you can lay off the Drive now.   I don’t need an eye for an eye.  I am content with this tooth for that eye.

Still — I think I’ll avoid left-center in Wrigley Field for a while. You never know who might be next.

EFL Standings for 2016
EFL
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB RS RA
Old Detroit Wolverines 52 30 .638 — 455.1 342.4
Haviland Dragons 53 31 .630 0.4 419.6 324.5
Portland Rosebuds 52 33 .611 1.8 438.0 343.3
Pittsburgh Alleghenys 46 36 .566 5.9 440.4 384.3
Canberra Kangaroos 47 37 .557 6.5 403.0 354.2
Peshastin Pears 44 41 .523 9.4 390.8 363.8
Flint Hill Tornadoes 42 40 .506 10.8 363.5 359.0
Cottage Cheese 41 41 .502 11.1 411.9 404.0
Kaline Drive 34 50 .402 19.5 408.5 489.3
D.C. Balk 29 55 .339 24.8 331.7 471.2
Old Detroit:  “L”, 4 – 3.  (.278, .328, .519; 15.7 ip, 4 er).  New Wolverine Willson Contreras homered again yesterday.  He was playing catcher or maybe it would have been him laid low by Albert Almora.  He has already played 6 games in left field for the Cubs… yikes!
Me:  “O universe! Have mercy on Willson Contreras!”
Universe:  “What? Did someone call my name?”
Haviland:  W, 5 – 4. (.176, .300, .324;  9.3 ip, 4 er.)
Me:  “Five runs out of that crummy batting line?”
Universe: “OK, OK, calm down.  First, it was only 4.8 runs.  Second,  Haviland has all its batters active at least 33%, but 6 of them are allocated at 50% or less.  Those six combined to go 0 for 8. Everyone else went 6 for 26 for a .231, .355, .423 batting line.  That’ll get you 4.8 runs. So, yes, because Haviland has a smarter allocator than you do, it is going to do better with less. Get used to it.”
Portland: W, 5 – 2. (.262, .333, .333; 18.3 ip, 5 er).
Me: “Five runs out of that crummy batting line?”
Universe: “It was only 4.6 runs. Their un- and under-allocated players went 2 for 9.  Everyone else went 9 for 33 for a .273, .333, .364… hmmm, that does seem a little light. Aha!  They have unused AB at 2b, in the of and at OH.  Batters playing in those spots went 5 for 15 for a .333, .412, .533 line — so a little bit of Edgar Martinez was  probably leaking into the stats from what they had in reserve.   And anyway, the Rosebuds are owned by a Johnson, and Johnsons are my chosen people who either get to retire to an island paradise, or have their grandchildren living close by and underfoot all the time. So get used to it.”
Pittsburgh:  L, 5 – 7. (.300, .324, .433; 2.3 ip, 1 er). 
Me:  “…”
Universe: “What? Aren’t you going to give me credit for stalling the Alleghenys’ advance on first place? I’m holding them to that promise they made at the draft,  as reluctant as I am to keep my favorites waiting for their 7th championship. Don’t you think you’d better be thankful for my justice? Unless you want to get what ungrateful people deserve…”
Me: “No! I am deeply grateful, O Universe, for your justice.  I’m even more grateful than is my duty. I was speechless with gratitude. Please forgive me for my little Altuve obsession — he went 2 for 4 again, and I was brooding over it.”
Universe: “I delivered Altuve to you almost for free, that pearl of great price, and you cast him aside without even giving him a chance.  So it is only just that you should suffer.  But steer clear of jealousy, greed, and bitterness, or justice will require me to spank you.”
Me: “And the beatings will continue until my morale improves?”
Universe: “Of course.”
Canberra:  L, 1 – 4. (.156, .229, .219;  10 ip, 5 er).
Me: “Uh, Universe?  Might you consider the plight of your servants, the Kangaroos? They were in first until the unfortunate Jackie Bradley incident.  Why do you continue to punish them for my mistake?”
Universe: “Why do you call those dufflepuddian beasts my servants?”
Me: “Aren’t they prominent in your courts of justice?”
Peshastin:  W, 7 – (-4). (.293, .396, .463;  19 ip, 6 er).
Me: “Then please consider the Pears, who like the Kangaroos have been in the league since the beginning and yet have never earned a mention on the trophy.”
Universe:  “You haven’t noticed how rapidly the Pears are rising in the standings?”
Flint Hill:  W, 8  – 8. (.353, .450, .500; 5 ip, 5 er).
Me: “In the Tornados’ case you seem to have given (a Happy Edgar Martinez Day!) and simultaneously taken away (and a happy Edgar Martinez Day to their opponents, too!). Won’t that embitter them?”
Universe: “You’re in first place and embittered.  What evidence is there that I can buy gratitude with unmerited favoritism?”
Me: “But this is another team owned by a Johnson!”
Universe: “You don’t hear him complaining. Perhaps he understands the gift is being in the game.  He didn’t have to be. He didn’t have to be born. The world didn’t even have to exist.”
Cottage:  L, 5 – 8.  (.244, .292, .511; 6 ip, 5 er).
Me: “Why do good Cheeses suffer?”
Universe: “What do you mean, ‘good Cheeses’?  They gave up on Altuve before you did.”
Kaline:  W, 11 – 5. (.343, .378, .657;  1.3 ip, 3 er).
Me: “Why do good Wizards suffer?”
Universe: “Ask Gandalf. Ask Dumbledore.  Why do I put good wizards on the Earth?  But, still, I have regarded the condition of my servant the Wizard of Whidbey, and his uncomplaining suffering in the lower regions of hel… I mean, the EFL. He has had a couple of good days in a row, and I know he appreciates them. I am considering giving him more.”
Me: “He surely deserves them.”
Universe: “He surely does, more than some ingrates I know.”
D.C.:  “W”, 1 – 6.  (.160, .192, .240;  4 ip, 2 er).
Me: “If you are so bent toward justice, how does the Balk get saddled with 6 runs while its pitchers sport a 4.50 ERA?”
Universe:  “How tiresome are your complaints! Only one of their innings was by a starter.  The team racked up 4 starter replacement innings.”
Me:  “OK, but then how does a team get beat 6  – 1 and still get a win?  Because the universe has a soft spot for newbies? Because justice is blind and got the W’s order (“one diet win, please”) mixed up with DC’s (“I’ll have some dreck, please”)?”
Universe: “Because my justice is tempered with mercy — although maybe too much mercy, o thou quarrelsome one who art inexplicably in first place for another day.”
AL East
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Old Detroit Wolverines 52 30 .638 —
Baltimore Orioles 47 35 .573 5.3
Boston Red Sox 45 37 .549 7.3
Toronto Blue Jays 46 39 .541 7.8
Flint Hill Tornadoes 42 40 .506 10.8
New York Yankees 40 42 .488 12.3
Tampa Bay Rays 34 48 .415 18.3
NL East
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Washington Nationals 50 34 .595 —
Canberra Kangaroos 47 37 .557 3.2
New York Mets 45 37 .549 4
Miami Marlins 43 40 .518 6.5
Philadelphia Phillies 38 46 .452 12
D.C. Balk 29 55 .339 21.5
Atlanta Braves 28 55 .337 21.5
AL Central
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Cleveland Indians 50 32 .610 —
Pittsburgh Alleghenys 46 36 .566 3.6
Detroit Tigers 44 39 .530 6.5
Kansas City Royals 43 39 .524 7
Chicago White Sox 43 40 .518 7.5
Minnesota Twins 27 55 .329 23
NL Central
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Chicago Cubs 52 30 .634 —
St. Louis Cardinals 43 39 .524 9
Pittsburgh Pirates 42 41 .506 10.5
Cottage Cheese 41 41 .502 10.8
Milwaukee Brewers 36 46 .439 16
Cincinnati Reds 30 54 .357 23
AL West
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Haviland Dragons 53 31 .630 —
Texas Rangers 52 32 .619 0.9
Houston Astros 44 39 .530 8.4
Seattle Mariners 43 40 .518 9.4
Oakland A’s 36 47 .434 16.4
Kaline Drive 34 50 .402 19.1
Los Angeles Angels 33 50 .398 19.4
NL West
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
San Francisco Giants 53 32 .624 —
Portland Rosebuds 52 33 .611 1
Los Angeles Dodgers 48 37 .565 5
Peshastin Pears 44 41 .523 8.6
Colorado Rockies 37 45 .451 14.5
Arizona Diamondbacks 37 48 .435 16
San Diego Padres 36 47 .434 16

 

 

 

 

Speaking of Tornado mayhem, consider the case of Tornado-Mariner Leonys Martin.  He leads off the game Monday against Houston with a triple. One out later, Cano strikes out swinging. The ball eludes Astros catcher Castro, so Cano can run to first. Astro Castro scrambles, corrals the ball and throws to first. Cano cannot beat the throw. Meanwhile Martin makes for home. Astro Castro cannot cover the plate! But ex-Wolverine pitcher Lance McCullers can!! LM tags LM out at home. Los M’s lose, 2-1.  So in a single day the Tornados bruise Bryant and marinate los Marineros. Is it any wonder that Tornados never get invited to parties?

 

 

 

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