We just last night got home from our sojourn at Disneyland. What an inspiring trip for an EFL commissioner! Disneyland has an entire “wing” apparently devoted to the EFL, called “Fantasyland,” one of the original “lands” inside Disneyland when it opened 61 years ago.
I first visited Disneyland in about 1963, when I was 7 and the park was 8. There are parts of Disneyland that still match my earliest memories — except they seem smaller now. Other parts match my memories of a visit in the early 1990’s with Melissa and Ryan. Other parts were new to me. And they are building new sections to look forward to if I ever visit the place again.
Disneyland thrives because it is many things all at once: thrilling, musical and dramatic, visually stunning, fun, and family-friendly. In three long days among tens of thousands of people, I think I only heard one expletive. It was in so many ways an escape from the grimy, sad, painful or banal aspects of everyday life.
Well, that’s over. Back to the EFL grind!
EFL Standings for 2016
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Portland Rosebuds | 69 | 39 | .636 | — | 551.9 | 410.8 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 67 | 40 | .630 | 0.7 | 566.2 | 432.7 |
| Haviland Dragons | 68 | 41 | .627 | 0.9 | 529.2 | 411.0 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 65 | 41 | .613 | 2.7 | 573.8 | 455.6 |
| Peshastin Pears | 60 | 48 | .553 | 8.9 | 519.3 | 458.6 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 58 | 50 | .534 | 11 | 501.4 | 461.9 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 51 | 56 | .481 | 16.7 | 459.7 | 477.4 |
| Cottage Cheese | 50 | 57 | .471 | 17.7 | 520.6 | 544.1 |
| Kaline Drive | 48 | 61 | .444 | 20.8 | 529.9 | 601.1 |
| D.C. Balk | 37 | 71 | .346 | 31.3 | 439.3 | 610.2 |
Portland: W 2, L 1; 8 – 9.
Old Detroit: W 1, L 2; 16 – 16.
Haviland: W2, L 1; 15 – 8. Usual reminder: these early-month standings have to be taken with caution, since our rotations haven’t rotated, etc. Still — these three teams continue their long roller coaster race, ongoing since June. And despite the dangers of a small, skewed sample, I will take heart: the Rosebuds, who were over a game ahead yesterday, have given back all their August gains. And I will be alarmed: the Dragons nearly overtook the W’s for second place.
Pittsburgh: W 3, L 1; 32 – 13. And I will be terrified! In the first four days of August the scary Alleghenys have cut their distance from first place by almost 40%! Unfortunately, there is no guarantee this terror will be illusory — the flame shooting out at you may not turn out to be mist cleverly lit up to look like fire; R2D2 may be unable to recover control of your spaceship before the planet crashes into you.
Peshastin: W 2, L 1; 18 – 14. The Pears are also closing the gap at a rate that will carry them past the top three teams well before the season ends. But not all rides are equally scary. If the Alleghenys are a Mountain ride (Thunder or Hyperspace), the Pears are more like Pinocchio’s Adventure. They are tucked away in a pleasant corner of Fantasyland, and have been since the place opened; they have never been all that scary; and they simply aren’t moving very fast.
Canberra: W 2, L 1; 19 – 17. If the Kangaroo season were a Disney attraction, it would be a lame roller coaster. You have the initial steep ascent that put the ‘Roos in first place on May 1, and then a long slow descent, more depressing than thrilling, until you fall all the way to 6th place. But here in August, so far, Canberra has halted its descent, and even started a little climb. Is there a happy surprise in store for fans aboard Captain Kangaroo’s Canberra Cannonball?
Flint Hill: W 0, L 3; 6 – 15. We didn’t go on the Tower of Terror, part of the new (to me) California Experience, an entirely separate theme park across the former parking lot from Disneyland. Apparently in that ride you get lifted up about 10 stories and then dropped straight down. But who needs to go to Disneyland, spending all that money, when you can watch Flint Hill’s own Tower of Tornado Terror experience here in early August?
Cottage: W 2, L 1; 26 – 18. A total of 44 runs scored in 3 days? That’s loud, loud offense. Lucky for the Cheese, most of the noise was being made on the Cottage side of the plate. Based on my experiences this week in Fantasyland, head-splitting noise levels are much easier to tolerate when the experience is otherwise pleasant. (The evening parade at Disneyland is extremely loud. If your perch only offers a partial view as ours did Monday evening, the parade is more pain than pleasure. But if you get to see the entire thing clearly as we did Wednesday night, the spectacular visuals do distract from the auditory assault.)
Kaline: W 2, L 1; 14 – 7. You can Drive at Disneyland! I remember how excited I was to drive the cars at Autotopia when I was 7 or 8. My 13 and 14 year old boys thought it was a kick, too. And all the trees around the Autotopia course have grown taller, making it a pretty drive through the woods. But when the top speed is only 6.5 miles per hour (at least, that’s what the sign said), after a while (say, half-way through the ride), the thrill is harder to maintain for newly-minted 60-year-olds. So you have to take your pleasure in the excitement of your young driving prospect, impatient for his call up to the big leagues of automobiling, as he shows improving skills in not bashing into the car that has inexplicable stopped right in front of you.
D.C.: W 0, L 3; 9 – 19. “The Balk” — an instant classic fantasy league team name — would probably not be as successful attached to a Disneyland attraction. I suspect most visitors make lists of the best rides, and the lamest ones. Naming a ride “the Balk” might prejudice a visitor toward one end of that list.
My favorite ride was Soaring Over the World, in the California Experience park. “Soaring” has a far different vibe than “Balk”, and in this case the vibe is on target. You sit in a rack of seats inside an airplane hangar. The ride starts when your seats are lifted into the air, suspended in front of and partially over a semi-circular screen, and suddenly you are flying toward the peak of the real Matterhorn, feet dangling thousands of feet above the ground, a breeze in your face bringing the smells of the place. After you narrowly avoid crashing, you are suddenly in the Arctic buzzing polar bears on ice floes near a calving glacier; then it’s on to the African plains near Kilimanjaro, and so on to a dozen scenic places around the world. It’s so beautiful I nearly cried on my second time through the ride.
The lamest ride we tried — and, to be fair, we avoided some of the more unpromising ones — was Dancing Cars, in the Radiator Springs area of California Experience. Sam and I only had a few minutes to spare before meeting up with Ben and Melanie, and the line seemed short. We asked the attendant if the ride was like bumper cars. He said “It’s better than bumper cars”. Huh, we thought, even better than bumper cars. But the attendant was a fraud and a huckster. You sit in little cars, doing nothing. When the music starts, your car motors slowly around with other cars, swaying a little side to side, executing patterns indiscernible from where you are sitting (but partially visible to observers) and precisely 90 seconds later the cars stop. There is a bumper car ride (we thought should be called the “Dr. Nefario Bumper Cars”, for how slow they go) which was way, way, way better.
But at least the name “Dancing Cars” evokes some sort of dynamism. You couldn’t call that ride “The Balk.”
There was one attraction — not a ride — even lamer than Dancing Cars. For $5, you got to try to pitch 8 baseballs into a hole in the pocket of a catcher’s glove. The hole was about twice the width of the baseball. You had to get three strikes into that hole to win a prize.
I bit. At 62.5¢ a pop, I made 8 pitches. I hit the glove on nearly all of the pitches, but never in the hole. It took about 60 seconds. My boys think it’s hilarious to recount my exploits there. It would have been a kindness had Disney named that attraction “The Balk” because it would have suggested a better approach than actually trying to pitch.
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 67 | 40 | .630 | — |
| Baltimore Orioles | 61 | 46 | .570 | 6.5 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 62 | 47 | .569 | 6.5 |
| Boston Red Sox | 59 | 48 | .551 | 8.5 |
| New York Yankees | 54 | 54 | .500 | 14 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 51 | 56 | .481 | 16 |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 44 | 63 | .411 | 23.5 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Washington Nationals | 64 | 44 | .593 | — |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 58 | 50 | .534 | 6.4 |
| Miami Marlins | 57 | 51 | .528 | 7 |
| New York Mets | 56 | 52 | .519 | 8 |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 50 | 60 | .455 | 15 |
| Atlanta Braves | 39 | 69 | .361 | 25 |
| D.C. Balk | 37 | 71 | .346 | 26.6 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 65 | 41 | .613 | — |
| Cleveland Indians | 61 | 45 | .575 | 3.9 |
| Detroit Tigers | 59 | 49 | .546 | 6.9 |
| Chicago White Sox | 52 | 56 | .481 | 13.9 |
| Kansas City Royals | 51 | 57 | .472 | 14.9 |
| Minnesota Twins | 43 | 65 | .398 | 22.9 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Chicago Cubs | 66 | 41 | .617 | — |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 57 | 51 | .528 | 9.5 |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 53 | 53 | .500 | 12.5 |
| Cottage Cheese | 50 | 57 | .471 | 15.6 |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 48 | 58 | .453 | 17.5 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 44 | 63 | .411 | 22 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Haviland Dragons | 68 | 41 | .627 | — |
| Texas Rangers | 63 | 46 | .578 | 5.3 |
| Houston Astros | 56 | 52 | .519 | 11.8 |
| Seattle Mariners | 54 | 53 | .505 | 13.3 |
| Los Angeles Angels | 49 | 59 | .454 | 18.8 |
| Oakland A’s | 48 | 60 | .444 | 19.8 |
| Kaline Drive | 48 | 61 | .444 | 19.9 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Portland Rosebuds | 69 | 39 | .636 | — |
| San Francisco Giants | 62 | 46 | .574 | 6.7 |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 60 | 48 | .556 | 8.7 |
| Peshastin Pears | 60 | 48 | .553 | 8.9 |
| Colorado Rockies | 54 | 54 | .500 | 14.7 |
| San Diego Padres | 47 | 61 | .435 | 21.7 |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 43 | 65 | .398 | 25.7 |