Friends:
If you’re like me, Mother’s Day can sneak up on you, partly because it keeps changing its place on the calendar. After I almost missed Mothers Day two years ago when it arrived a week earlier than i was expecting, I’ve had to go on rigorous Mother’s Day watch as soon as May hits.
Also, if you’re like me, you can sometimes find yourself at Mother’s Day with insufficient presents in hand to honor the dearest old lady in your life. Actually, I was unlike myself: I have great presents for Melanie and my Mom. I’m excited to give them today, even the one for Melanie that took me three hours to assemble last night — the one she asked for specifically, so I’m prettysure she knows it’s coming.
But — just in case you are caught short on Mother’s Day presents, here are some terrific unique EFL-related gift ideas. You can be sure no one else will give her the same present (unless the mom in your life is Cindy Johnson, in which case good luck).
EFL Standings for 2017
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Cottage Cheese | 26 | 9 | .736 | — | 202.4 | 119.4 |
| Kaline Drive | 24 | 12 | .666 | 2.3 | 167.5 | 118.6 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 21 | 12 | .647 | 3.4 | 162.4 | 120.0 |
| Peshastin Pears | 21 | 17 | .564 | 5.8 | 164.0 | 148.8 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 19 | 14 | .573 | 5.9 | 161.4 | 139.8 |
| Haviland Dragons | 20 | 16 | .553 | 6.4 | 196.9 | 178.3 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 20 | 18 | .523 | 7.4 | 194.3 | 180.0 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 18 | 17 | .502 | 8.2 | 166.1 | 162.4 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 13 | 20 | .399 | 11.6 | 124.6 | 158.5 |
| D.C. Balk | 12 | 23 | .349 | 13.5 | 169.7 | 236.4 |
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Cottage: W 2, L 0; 13 – 7. (.333, .405, .722; 6 ip, 2 er). The Cheese are doing amazingly well — 35 games in and still in single-digit loss territory. I bet your mom would enjoy hearing about your EFL achievements. Imagine how she’ll beam with pride for the entire hour it will take for you to recount all 26 wins and every cunning deal you made over the last three years. By this time tomorrow Friendsview could be abuzz with the news.
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Kaline: W, 2 – (-1). (.200, .238, .300; 8.7 ip, 3 er). What better gift for Michele than a framed photo of today’s standings? There you are, solidly in second place, with that super-portentous winning percentage. She won’t believe it until she sees it! So make her day extra special, by boosting her faith in the Drive (and by extension, in you).
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Flint Hill: DNP, 2 – 1. (.200, .231, .360; 8.3 ip, 5 er). You do face a risk none of the rest of us has to bear, since your mom could conceivably get three EFL-themed Mother’s Day presents. I don’t think you have to worry about that, actually, since the Rosebuds’ lowly position in 7th place probably reflects a lack of attention to his team. And if that’s the case, he’s likely to have already come up with a Mother’s Day present. What else would he do with all that time he’s “saving” by not obsessing over the Rosebuds? So it’s down to you and John. How about a t-shirt with the following warm Mother’s Day message:
A Tornadoes fan loves me.
At least she’ll know someone loves her, although she might not be able to pick specifically you out of the crowd of Tornadoes fans.
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Peshastin: W 0, L 2; 7 – 14. (.182, .280, .477; 6.7 ip, 1 er). The Pears are in a bit of tailspin these days. After losing another 1.3 games in the standings, the Pears are about to be sliced by the Alleghenys. I think maybe you should avoid Pear-themed gifts for now.
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Pittsburgh: W 1, L 1; 12 – 10. (.250, .318, 400; 0.7 ip, 0 er). JD Martinez is back! He went 3 for 4 with 2 homers yesterday to key — I mean, to pretty much constitute the Allegheny attack. I don’t know how closely Betty follows Pirates history, but maybe you could pass off one of your old Pirates hats as a bit of rare Alleghenys swag. The color scheme, the P, the vibe about the present not matching past glories — it all works.
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Haviland: W, (.289, .386, .435; 23.7 ip, 13 er). You have a sure-fire winning gift possibility nobody else can possibly duplicate: you could let her borrow the EFL trophy to put on her desk at work. Especially with Friendsview buzzing about the Cheese, she’ll love having in that trophy inscribed with the Dragons’ achievements the perfect response: quiet, confident, devastating.
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Portland: W 2, L 0; 8 – 5. (.240, .296, .520; 14.7 ip, 4 er). Jose Berrios made his EFL debut yesterday, and pitched great: 7.7 ip, 1 er. Something commemorative of that event is a sure winner, especially since you have been telling your mom all about him ever since you drafted him. I give you permission to use the photo I’ve attached to this post, as long as you don’t tell anyone — especially any copyright lawyers who might call you — where you got the picture.
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Canberra: “W”, 2 – 6. (.333, .345, .481; 18.7 ip, 11 er). The perfect gift: round trip airplane tickets, and box seats, to see the Kangaroos in action. No, no — don’t tell me that’s impossible. Finances? All available tickets already sold out? Lame. You are the OWNER of a major EFL franchise. Sorry excuses like these will not do.
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Old Detroit: W 1, L ((-1); 2 – (-9). (.235, .278, .441; 14.7 ip, 2 er). The best day all year for the Wolverines. Two starters pitched great! Nick Ahmed homered … twice! Still, this is not the year for Wolverine swag. Besides, I’ve already gotten great presents, remember?
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DC: L, 2 – 9. (.121, .237, .242; 5 ip, 5 er). Ummm… I think maybe a box of chocolates? Maybe Balk stuff will be a better gift next year.
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Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2017
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 21 | 12 | .647 | — |
| New York Yankees | 21 | 12 | .636 | 0.3 |
| Baltimore Orioles | 22 | 13 | .629 | 0.3 |
| Boston Red Sox | 19 | 17 | .528 | 3.8 |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 18 | 21 | .462 | 6.3 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 16 | 21 | .432 | 7.3 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 13 | 20 | .399 | 8.2 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Washington Nationals | 23 | 12 | .657 | — |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 18 | 17 | .502 | 5.4 |
| New York Mets | 16 | 19 | .457 | 7 |
| Atlanta Braves | 13 | 20 | .394 | 9 |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 13 | 20 | .394 | 9 |
| Miami Marlins | 13 | 22 | .371 | 10 |
| D.C. Balk | 12 | 23 | .349 | 10.8 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Minnesota Twins | 19 | 14 | .576 | — |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 19 | 14 | .573 | 0.1 |
| Detroit Tigers | 18 | 17 | .514 | 2 |
| Cleveland Indians | 18 | 17 | .514 | 2 |
| Chicago White Sox | 16 | 18 | .471 | 3.5 |
| Kansas City Royals | 15 | 21 | .417 | 5.5 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Cottage Cheese | 26 | 9 | .736 | — |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 20 | 15 | .571 | 5.8 |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 20 | 17 | .541 | 6.8 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 19 | 17 | .528 | 7.3 |
| Chicago Cubs | 18 | 18 | .500 | 8.3 |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 15 | 22 | .405 | 11.8 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Houston Astros | 25 | 11 | .694 | — |
| Kaline Drive | 24 | 12 | .666 | 1 |
| Haviland Dragons | 20 | 16 | .553 | 5.1 |
| Texas Rangers | 18 | 20 | .474 | 8 |
| Los Angeles Angels | 18 | 21 | .462 | 8.5 |
| Seattle Mariners | 17 | 20 | .459 | 8.5 |
| Oakland A’s | 16 | 20 | .444 | 9 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Colorado Rockies | 23 | 15 | .605 | — |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 22 | 15 | .595 | 0.5 |
| Peshastin Pears | 21 | 17 | .564 | 1.6 |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 21 | 17 | .553 | 2 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 20 | 18 | .523 | 3.1 |
| San Diego Padres | 14 | 24 | .368 | 9 |
| San Francisco Giants | 14 | 24 | .368 | 9 |
What was Melanie’s gift? I am all agog at the concept of a Mother’s Day gift that requires three hours to assemble.
New chairs for our deck. They came in a box of 6. I only needed four, but I put them all together anyway. I am a slow, methodical worker when it comes to projects like that.