Yesterday we received a report from the Cottage proclaiming that the Cheese were back! Which today proved to be truer than Cheese management probably expected, although perhaps under a different definition of “back” than the one they intended.
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EFL Standings for 2017
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Haviland Dragons | 49 | 25 | .663 | — | 474.7 | 337.6 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 46 | 24 | .652 | 1.4 | 351.3 | 254.3 |
| Cottage Cheese | 48 | 27 | .640 | 1.6 | 412.8 | 307.3 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 44 | 27 | .616 | 3.8 | 403.0 | 317.2 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 45 | 29 | .611 | 3.8 | 431.9 | 333.6 |
| Kaline Drive | 43 | 31 | .587 | 5.6 | 383.5 | 323.4 |
| Peshastin Pears | 43 | 31 | .575 | 6.5 | 358.6 | 313.6 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 33 | 39 | .463 | 14.8 | 332.1 | 361.1 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 32 | 38 | .455 | 15.2 | 300.6 | 327.9 |
| D.C. Balk | 26 | 46 | .364 | 21.9 | 348.4 | 461.0 |
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Haviland: L, 2 – 3. (.212, .316, .242; 11 ip, 4 er). You have wolveritis when your hitting star’s 1.000 OPS comprises a walk in one plate appearance (Brandon Nimmo this time). Nimmo got some back-up from Anthony Rizzo who went 1 for 3 plus two walks (.933 OPS). With so little back-up, the Dragons did some backing up as a team, helping to tighten the EFL race.
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Flint Hill: W, 5 – 3. (.250, .333, .550; 2.3 ip, 0 er). Nimmo’s Flint Hill counterpart was Bradley Zimmer, who accomplished the same pedestrian feat. [Did you notice that so far every name I’ve mentioned goes consonant – i – double consonant – vowel? Freaky!] . The difference is the Tornadoes had people who hit BETTER than Zimmer: Todd Frazier went 2 for 4 with a homer and a walk, and Joc Pederson, despite misspelling his own name twice, went 2 for 2 with a homer. The Tornados followed up their Great Leap Forward from Wednesday with a Lesser Leap Forward Thursday, vaulting over only the Cheese to get a clear shot at the Dragons.
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Cottage: L, 5 – 9. (.270, .372, .378; 13.3 ip, 9 er). The Cheese thought they were poised to resume what they believe is their rightful place atop the EFL standings. But life is funny sometimes. Instead of being back up, the Cheese found themselves backing up. Luis Severino and Ivan Nova didn’t pitch very well, and too many of the hitter followed suit. I’ve discovered the problem: the Cheese have no one in the lineup whose last name goes consonant – i – double consonant – vowel. Ian Happ comes closest — and look! He went 4 for 5 with a double! Whoa!
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Pittsburgh: W, 8 – 8. (.368, .415, .526 — Happy Edgar Martinez Day!; 1.7 IP, 1 ER). Allegheny pitchers needed their hitters to have their backs Thursday. Nick Castellanos (well, at least he has a double consonant) stepped up, trying to bring down the Mariners single-handedly. Fortunately for the M’s, his 2 for 3 with a double and a walk wasn’t enough for that task, but it was just barely enough (by 1/10 of a run) to get a true win for the Alleghenys. Note the lesson here: our league is not zero-sum. In the EFL, you can win without beating anyone in particular.
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Portland: L, 8 – 11. (.368, .435, .579; 5 ip. 9 er). The Rosebud offense was eerily similar to the Alleghenys’ Thursday. Except the Alleghenys had 10 batters amassing 41 plate appearances, while the Rosebuds had 5 players accumulating 22 plate appearances. Also, the most productive Rosebud was Paul Goldschmidt (.3 for 5 with a homer), whose last name runs to 10 letters with only one duplication and no doubles. But the Rosebuds would have been better off with the Alleghenys’ minimal pitching. Antonio Senzatela, in his last appearance of the month, went a substantial 5 innings while coughing up an even more substantial 9 earned runs. Remember, the EFL is not zero-sum. You can back up in the standings without losing to anyone in particular.
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Kaline: L, 7 – 10. (.298, .365, .617; 10.0 ip, 9 er). There was a lot of scoring yesterday in MLB. In the 12 games, the 24 teams scored a total of 153 runs, or 6.37 per team. With all those runs awash in the stats, we have to expect some of our pitchers will be adversely affected. Like, say, for Marcus Stroman, and his 4 ip, 7 er performance. Don’t worry. We know Stroman. He’ll pick himself back up and do well next time.
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Peshastin: W, 5 – 4. (.290, .353, .484; 1 ip, 0 er). Given the pitching-hostile environment in MLB Thursday, maybe the best strategy was to have no pitchers on the mound. Cam Bedrosian defied the odds and put together a perfect inning, but then he has yet to surrender an earned run in June. His backstop, JT Realmuto, backed Bedrosian at the plate, too: 2 for 3 with a double.
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Canberra: DNP, 1 – (-2). (.190, .190, .429; 18.7 ip, 13 earned runs.) Normally an EFL owner would get his back up over such dismal pitching. A daily ERA of 6.27 is not usually good news. But 18 of those innings were starting innings, and with no game on tap, all 18 replaced replacements (leaving a residue of 21.7 replacement starting innings still to replace). And here’s another EFL quirk: sometimes you don’t have to play to win.
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Old Detroit: W, 6 – 5. (.250, .323, .500; 5.3 ip, 3 er). The W’s are still in back of 8 other teams. The Kangaroos are not cooperating. “Here, little joeys,” I call in my nicest voice. “Do you want treats? Just let me catch you now…” but they are too skittish, keeping their distance, regarding me distrustfully with one eye. We needed Manny Machado’s 2 for 3 with a double and two walks, and Gregory Polanco’s 2 for 4 with a homer, just to avoid falling further back behind the ‘Roos.
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DC: DNP, 4 – 8. (.438, .389, .750; 2 ip, 9 er). Aye yi. Two oddities here. The rarer one is the batting line, with the OBP so much lower than the batting average — without any of the actual batters having an OBP lower than his batting average. Here’s how that happened:
* Most of the Balk took advantage of the off day to go golfing.
* Only 4 batters showed up. Only 3 of them got hits — and two of those had big days at the plate, especially Addison Russell’s 4 for 5 with two doubles and a homer.
* The fourth batter, Kole Calhoun, went 0 for 3, so his two sacrifice flies could not lower his .000 OBP, but still took a nice bite out of the team’s OBP.
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The other oddity was sadder. Jesse Hahn hit the first batter he faced, George Springer, forcing him from the game. Jake Marisnick came on as a pinch runner. Hahn walked the next two batters, then gave up runs on consecutive sacrifice flies (NOT involving Kole Calhoun) before he escaped the first inning. Marisnick blasted a one-out two-run homer off Hahn in the second inning. Then a double, a walk, an error, a single — and then another one-out two-run homer and you have your 9 earned runs, 10 runs overall. The A’s let Hahn finish the inning, then sent him to the merciful showers.
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Oh, well, the Balk have been the Back for pretty much their entire existence. I don’t suppose this is exactly what the Cheese meant when they announced being back.
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Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2017
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 46 | 24 | .652 | — |
| New York Yankees | 39 | 31 | .557 | 6.6 |
| Boston Red Sox | 40 | 32 | .556 | 6.6 |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 39 | 36 | .520 | 9.1 |
| Baltimore Orioles | 35 | 37 | .486 | 11.6 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 35 | 37 | .486 | 11.6 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 32 | 38 | .455 | 13.8 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Washington Nationals | 43 | 29 | .597 | — |
| Atlanta Braves | 34 | 38 | .472 | 9 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 33 | 39 | .463 | 9.7 |
| Miami Marlins | 32 | 39 | .451 | 10.5 |
| New York Mets | 31 | 41 | .431 | 12 |
| D.C. Balk | 26 | 46 | .364 | 16.8 |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 23 | 48 | .324 | 19.5 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 44 | 27 | .616 | — |
| Cleveland Indians | 39 | 32 | .549 | 4.7 |
| Minnesota Twins | 36 | 34 | .514 | 7.2 |
| Kansas City Royals | 35 | 36 | .493 | 8.7 |
| Chicago White Sox | 32 | 39 | .451 | 11.7 |
| Detroit Tigers | 32 | 40 | .444 | 12.2 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Cottage Cheese | 48 | 27 | .640 | — |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 40 | 35 | .533 | 8 |
| Chicago Cubs | 37 | 35 | .514 | 9.5 |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 33 | 38 | .465 | 13 |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 33 | 39 | .458 | 13.5 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 30 | 41 | .423 | 16 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Houston Astros | 50 | 24 | .676 | — |
| Haviland Dragons | 49 | 25 | .663 | 0.9 |
| Kaline Drive | 43 | 31 | .587 | 6.6 |
| Seattle Mariners | 38 | 37 | .507 | 12.5 |
| Texas Rangers | 36 | 36 | .500 | 13 |
| Los Angeles Angels | 38 | 38 | .500 | 13 |
| Oakland A’s | 31 | 42 | .425 | 18.5 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 48 | 26 | .649 | — |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 46 | 27 | .630 | 1.5 |
| Colorado Rockies | 47 | 28 | .627 | 1.5 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 45 | 29 | .611 | 2.8 |
| Peshastin Pears | 43 | 31 | .575 | 5.5 |
| San Diego Padres | 29 | 44 | .397 | 18.5 |
| San Francisco Giants | 27 | 48 | .360 | 21.5 |