As we move toward this evening’s allocation deadline, we here in the Commissioner’s Office want you to be aware of two recently-detected threats. We urge you to take proper measures to protect yourself from these menaces.
We learned of the first threat from a note sent in by a concerned league member:
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Dear Commissioner:
Apparently I shouldn’t trust he team in trying to catch in the standings. Yesterday he told me allocations were due last night at midnight, so I did them… beware of [redacted]!
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Note: I have redacted the identity of the creatures you should beware of pending judicial proceedings to confirm the guilt of the accused. This should not dull the intensity of your alarm. We encourage you to heed this poor man’s warning: you cannot trust he team in trying to catch. He team in trying to catch might do ANYTHING — even give you misinformation about when allocations are due!
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We learned of the second threat doing our own research. Suffering from withdrawals because there haven’t been standings updates for SO LONG, we entered everyone’s roster changes in BP and calculated everyone’s total July raw stats through Friday’s games. Here is how our July offenses stacked up yesterday morning:
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| TEAM | AB | R | H | 2B | 3B | HR | RBI | BB | IBB | HBP | SO | SB | CS | SH | SF | DP | AVG | OBP | SLG | OPS | TB | RC/G |
| Haviland | 221 | 31 | 68 | 15 | 1 | 9 | 27 | 21 | 1 | 0 | 56 | 1 | 0 | 2 | 0 | 9 | 0.308 | 0.368 | 0.507 | 0.873 | 112 | 6.3 |
| Flint Hill | 263 | 38 | 64 | 14 | 1 | 11 | 41 | 26 | 0 | 7 | 80 | 10 | 0 | 1 | 4 | 10 | 0.243 | 0.323 | 0.43 | 0.753 | 113 | 4.6 |
| Cottage | 270 | 41 | 79 | 20 | 1 | 13 | 46 | 26 | 1 | 2 | 67 | 6 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 12 | 0.293 | 0.359 | 0.519 | 0.878 | 140 | 6.2 |
| Portland | 224 | 38 | 68 | 20 | 2 | 14 | 42 | 29 | 3 | 1 | 55 | 3 | 0 | 0 | 2 | 6 | 0.304 | 0.383 | 0.598 | 0.981 | 134 | 8.4 |
| Kaline | 288 | 42 | 78 | 9 | 1 | 15 | 41 | 17 | 1 | 5 | 66 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 8 | 0.271 | 0.323 | 0.465 | 0.788 | 134 | 4.9 |
| Pittsburgh | 265 | 48 | 86 | 23 | 3 | 9 | 41 | 29 | 0 | 0 | 59 | 7 | 1 | 0 | 5 | 5 | 0.325 | 0.385 | 0.536 | 0.92 | 142 | 8.0 |
| Peshastin | 277 | 31 | 71 | 21 | 0 | 10 | 32 | 17 | 0 | 5 | 74 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 9 | 0.256 | 0.310 | 0.440 | 0.750 | 122 | 4.4 |
| Canberra | 171 | 27 | 38 | 12 | 2 | 3 | 23 | 16 | 2 | 0 | 43 | 4 | 1 | 0 | 3 | 7 | 0.222 | 0.284 | 0.368 | 0.653 | 63 | 3.1 |
| Old Detroit | 254 | 39 | 78 | 17 | 1 | 13 | 34 | 20 | 2 | 1 | 55 | 5 | 0 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 0.307 | 0.357 | 0.535 | 0.893 | 136 | 7.2 |
| DC | 217 | 29 | 62 | 10 | 1 | 9 | 30 | 22 | 2 | 2 | 49 | 2 | 2 | 0 | 0 | 7 | 0.286 | 0.357 | 0.465 | 0.822 | 101 | 5.6 |
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Now here is our pitching so far in July:
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| Team | IP | BABIP | WHIP | SO9 | ER | H | HR | SO | BB | W | L | G | GS | SV | ERA | FIP |
| Haviland | 67.7 | 0.263 | 1.24 | 8.4 | 28 | 55 | 10 | 63 | 29 | 5 | 3 | 22 | 8 | 3 | 3.72 | 4.63 |
| Flint Hill | 66.3 | 0.277 | 1.07 | 9.5 | 20 | 56 | 10 | 70 | 15 | 5 | 0 | 26 | 8 | 0 | 2.71 | 3.73 |
| Cottage | 55.7 | 0.301 | 1.29 | 6.8 | 28 | 56 | 7 | 42 | 16 | 4 | 4 | 9 | 9 | 0 | 4.53 | 4.36 |
| Portland | 82 | 0.349 | 1.49 | 9.1 | 47 | 97 | 16 | 83 | 25 | 5 | 5 | 22 | 14 | 0 | 5.16 | 4.91 |
| Kaline | 58.3 | 0.235 | 1.22 | 8 | 26 | 45 | 10 | 52 | 26 | 5 | 2 | 22 | 8 | 1 | 4.01 | 5.19 |
| Pittsburgh | 66 | 0.328 | 1.36 | 9.4 | 31 | 69 | 11 | 69 | 21 | 4 | 3 | 23 | 9 | 1 | 4.23 | 4.18 |
| Peshastin | 75 | 0.296 | 1.15 | 3.61 | 31 | 63 | 7 | 83 | 23 | 4 | 5 | 17 | 11 | 0 | 3.72 | 3.19 |
| Canberra | 45 | 0.244 | 1.36 | 7.2 | 16 | 33 | 3 | 36 | 28 | 0 | 3 | 15 | 6 | 0 | 3.2 | 4.42 |
| Old Detroit | 71 | 0.276 | 1.14 | 8.2 | 25 | 61 | 8 | 65 | 20 | 4 | 4 | 18 | 10 | 1 | 3.17 | 3.72 |
| DC | 51.3 | 0.297 | 1.32 | 8.1 | 33 | 53 | 9 | 46 | 15 | 1 | 4 | 16 | 8 | 3 | 5.79 | 4.58 |
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If we use RC/G and ERA as a rough stand in for runs scored and runs allowed, we get the following overall July winning percentages — which I present here without team names so you don’t become needlessly alarmed about which team is all set to terrorize the rest of the league:
a
| 0.837 |
| 0.781 |
| 0.745 |
| 0.743 |
| 0.726 |
| 0.651 |
| 0.599 |
| 0.578 |
| 0.489 |
| 0.482 |
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There are so many, many caveats about these numbers. They are raw total stats for all the players. They don’t reflect your clever allocations. They don’t reflect the holes in your roster, nor the places where you have three great players stacked up on the same position so you can’t make use of all their stats. Nor do they account for inevitable injuries, etc., due to your inescapable fate in this league.
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Also remember to take into account Saturday’s games. For example, that team with the simulated .837 winning percentage had this line for the day Saturday (hand-compiled, because BP is still in bed this fine morning):
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| AB | H | 2b | 3b | hr | bb | hbp | BA | OBP | SLG | OPS |
| 37 | 20 | 8 | 1 | 3 | 4 | 0 | 0.541 | 0.683 | 1.054 | 1.737 |
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| IP | ER |
| 0.3 | 0 |
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Dying to know the identity of this blossoming super team? OK, here’s a hint: it’s not the dangerously unreliable he team in trying to catch. At least, not yet, for most of you.
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OK, I think that takes care of the known dangers for now. Enjoy the superfine morning we’re having — or whatever kind of morning you’re having where you are.