EFL Celebrity News

I spent yesterday evening at the Portland Zoo attending a Garrison Keillor … concert?show? Event. It was essentially an in-person version of his old Prairie Home Companion show. A very pleasant, c00l evening for an outdoor concert, which Keillor began by walking through the crowd seated on the amphitheater lawn. Like this:

That’s right — he walked directly in front of us. Add him to my celebrity personal contacts: Gerald Ford (handshake); Mark Hatfield (co-taught classes, etc.); Barack Obama (waved at us — more specifically, at Ben, but I was right there, too); Jean-Bertrand Aristide (interviewed in Haiti); Tony Campolo, John Perkins, Kenneth and Elise Boulding, Richard Foster, and  others like them;  Governor Tom McCall; various other senators and members of Congress.

As for baseball celebrities, the best contact might be when Andrew McCutchen tossed me a baseball from center field in Pittsburgh.  I am probably forgetting some others. Ryan can do much better, of course,  both among politicians and ball players.

Duh! What am I thinking? Of course I have other baseball celebrity contacts. I have had hundreds of baseball players under contract in the EFL! Something like 20 new ones every year for 14 seasons!  It’s not my fault if some of them were unaware of the closeness of our relationship.

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EFL
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB	RS	RA
Pittsburgh Alleghenys	81	38	.684	—	681.9	460.1
Haviland Dragons	79	43	.646	4.1	731.7	540.1
Flint Hill Tornadoes	78	43	.642	4.7	629.2	468.3
Cottage Cheese	77	44	.636	5.5	656.7	492.4
Portland Rosebuds	71	49	.592	10.9	694.3	566.0
Kaline Drive	69	53	.566	13.9	610.0	532.6
Peshastin Pears	66	54	.553	15.6	586.9	534.7
Old Detroit Wolverines	64	57	.531	18.2	608.6	555.6
Canberra Kangaroos	56	64	.467	25.9	572.2	612.2
D.C. Balk	47	73	.391	35	603.0	752.5

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Pittsburgh: “L”, 5 – 2. (.238, .304, .476; 7 ip, 1 er).  Corey Kluber didn’t dominate like usual — only lasting 5.3 innings — and most Allegheny hitters batted meekly.  But the A’s got homers from  Domingo Santana, Rafael Devers, and that man Jose Altuve to leave their pursuers gasping another day.

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By the way, Allegheny management is another of my celebrity contacts. His latest honor, awarded just yesterday:  completing 35 years of service at GFU.  Thanks, Mark! It is an honor to be crushed under your spikes year after year. Do you realize you have been in the EFL for 40% of your tenure at GFU?

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Haviland: W, 9 – 9. (.350, .381, .650; 15 ip,  10 er). The Dragons got more than enough hitting to keep up with the Alleghenys, but so did their opponents’ hitters.  Starters Martinez and Santana did their jobs reasonably well (a combined 13 ip, 6 er), but relievers Barnes and Green undid their work with a combined chulk (2 ip, 4 er).  If John could play a piano while walking through a crowd, and if he knew more stories about dogs swimming into ice-fishing huts with walleyes in their mouths, he could steal some of the celebrity spotlight from Garrison Keillor.

Flint Hill: W, 9 – 6. (.275, .351, .569; 6 ip, 5 er). It must be hard growing up in the shadow of a giant like the Dragons’ Chiefest of Calamities. The Tornadoes took the same approach as the Dragons: not quite as much offense, and not quite as much (although somewhat worse) ineffective pitching.  Byron Buxton highlighted the offense by hitting for the cycle with an inside-the-park home run.  Kate Middleton lowlighted the pitching with a 2-run infinite chulk.

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Cottage:  L, 3 – 6. (.200, .293, .400; 6 ip, 3 er). The Cheese completed our trio in “pursuit” of the Alleghenys with different approach: competent but unspectacular pitching with not-that-great hitting. Sure, Mike Trout homered, but it was his only hit. Without Bryce Harper, recovering from stumbling over first base, the Cheese lack a certain celebrity swagger.

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Portland: W, 9 – 6.  (.350, .417, .675; 6.7 ip,  4 er). More of the Johnson way — see comments for Flint Hill, above.  There was one difference, however:  EWIE Manny Machado hit three homers, including the walk-0ff grand slam that gave the Rosebuds the win. Too bad Machado is playing for a 5th-place team 10.9 games out. He could have turned one of our pretenders into contenders.

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Kaline: W, 10 – 9.  (.388, .464, .592; 0.3 ip,  3 er). Ouch! Joe Kelly’s nonuple chulk really stings! Fortunately the offense was outstanding. I’m guessing the Wizard, being something of a celebrity himself, wouldn’t have been quite so awed by Garrison Keillor.

Peshastin: W (-1), L 2; 2 – 9.  (.195, .283, .366; 11.3 ip, 14 er).  Yikes. The Pears stank on both sides of the ball yesterday. Trevor Williams, who has been a solid fourth-starter-type ever since the Pears heisted him from the W’s, chulked badly (3 ip, 8 er), and the Pears couldn’t stem the tide.

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The King Pear also was recognized yesterday with his latest public award: for 25 years of full-time service at George Fox. This means the Pears have been in the EFL for something like 56% of Phil’s time at  GF.

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Old Detroit: “L”, 8 – 7. (.375, .400, .583; 18.3 ip, 10 er). Only six Wolverines batted, but they all got at least one hit. Andrew Heaney pitched for the first time since April of 2016, and it showed: 5 ip, 5 er. Rich Hill, Matt Moore and Raisel Iglesias put things mostly back together. Would it make me a celebrity — or just notorious — if my W’s pass the Pears after “selling” them Kluber for prospects earlier in the season?  Now that Garrison Keillor and I are so close, my confidence is sky-high.

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Canberra: L, 6 – 6. (333, .375, .467; 1.3 ip, 0 er). Rubbing shoulders with the powerful in our nation’s capitol doesn’t seem to be ginning up any mojo for the ‘Roos.  They went 10 for 30 but with exceedingly thin accessories: 1 double,  1 triple, 1 homer,  1 walk,  1 hbp, and 1 stolen base.  If only the ‘Roos were ins Portland where they could hang out with Garrison Keillor…

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DC: W 2, L (-1); 24 – 5.   Yes, as you can tell, I goofed yesterday and saddled DC with all its stats since July 1.  I fixed that today — at least mostly, we’ll see if we need to do some cleanup — and DC is back to having a great month.

AL East
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Flint Hill Tornadoes	78	43	.642	—
Boston Red Sox	70	51	.579	7.7
New York Yankees	65	56	.537	12.7
Old Detroit Wolverines	64	57	.531	13.5
Baltimore Orioles	60	62	.492	18.2
Toronto Blue Jays	59	63	.484	19.2
Tampa Bay Rays	60	64	.484	19.2

NL East
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Washington Nationals	73	47	.608	—
Miami Marlins	59	61	.492	14
Canberra Kangaroos	56	64	.467	16.9
Atlanta Braves	54	66	.450	19
New York Mets	53	67	.442	20
D.C. Balk	47	73	.391	26
Philadelphia Phillies	43	77	.358	30

AL Central
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Pittsburgh Alleghenys	81	38	.684	—
Cleveland Indians	67	52	.563	14.4
Minnesota Twins	61	58	.513	20.4
Kansas City Royals	61	60	.504	21.4
Detroit Tigers	53	68	.438	29.4
Chicago White Sox	46	73	.387	35.4

NL Central
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Cottage Cheese	77	44	.636	—
Chicago Cubs	64	57	.529	12.9
St. Louis Cardinals	63	59	.516	14.4
Milwaukee Brewers	63	60	.512	14.9
Pittsburgh Pirates	58	64	.475	19.4
Cincinnati Reds	52	71	.423	25.9

AL West
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Haviland Dragons	79	43	.646	—
Houston Astros	75	47	.615	3.8
Kaline Drive	69	53	.566	9.8
Los Angeles Angels	62	60	.508	16.8
Seattle Mariners	62	61	.504	17.3
Texas Rangers	60	61	.496	18.3
Oakland A’s	53	69	.434	25.8

NL West
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Los Angeles Dodgers	86	34	.717	—
Portland Rosebuds	71	49	.592	15
Colorado Rockies	68	54	.557	19
Peshastin Pears	66	54	.553	19.6
Arizona Diamondbacks	67	55	.549	20
San Diego Padres	54	68	.443	33
San Francisco Giants	50	74	.403	38