Sobblemetric Reflections on the Latest Lament

EFL
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB	RS	RA
Pittsburgh Alleghenys	84	39	.680	—	702.4	478.8
Haviland Dragons	79	45	.640	4.8	739.6	553.7
Flint Hill Tornadoes	79	45	.639	5	645.6	484.1
Cottage Cheese	78	45	.632	6	664.6	502.8
Portland Rosebuds	72	51	.589	11.2	702.3	574.7
Kaline Drive	71	53	.569	13.6	618.5	535.7
Peshastin Pears	67	56	.547	16.4	602.0	555.0
Old Detroit Wolverines	66	58	.530	18.4	620.4	569.1
Canberra Kangaroos	59	63	.480	24.6	585.1	609.9
D.C. Balk	47	75	.382	36.6	600.3	766.7

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Pittsburgh: W, 3 – 3.  (.217, .240, .348; no pitching).  All the previous Cheese Laments have come in August, and articulated Cheesy despair at not being in the pennant race. So astute Allegheny fans have probably been watching for the appearance of the 7th Lament with special diligence this year, since Cottage has been IN the pennant race (and actually led it for quite a while). The Head Cheese made them wait:  this is the latest the Lament has ever appeared.

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Haviland: L, 0 – 1. (.200, .385, .300; 1 ip, 1 er). The Lament refers to a mysterious other team “still in the game” that approached the Cheese to inquire about trading for a pennant-race rental.  Immediately readers speculated who that might be.  Just a bit ago our researchers intercepted a message on its way from Haviland to Cottage (“So I guess that’s a ‘NO’ “), prompting speculation that the Dragons were the ones inquiring. It has all the signs of Dragon boldness: Ask a a team a game behind to trade away one of its stars both slingshots the Dragons closer to the A’s, and eliminates one of their rivals. How are we supposed to compete with that kind of devious  genius?

Flint Hill: L, 4 – 6. (.167, .278, .433; 2.7 ip, 0 er). Some sobblemetricians suspect the Tornados to be the team trying to woo the Cheese into a trade. These analysts suspect the Tornados would relish beating the Dragons almost as much as beating  the entire league. A Harper here or a Hicks  there might be enough to boost the T’s past the D’s in the final month of the season.  The Tornados do need something to boost their wind speed:  yesterday they were dead calm except for a little dust kicked up by Byron Buxton (3 for 8 with a double and a homer).

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Cottage: DNP, 0 – 0. (.222, .300, .500; no pitching). But now we come to the most stunning part of this year’s Lament:  just as it seems to be falling into its typical fatalism about the current season, the tone changes.  The Lament becomes a rallying cry.  A Bird (presumably Greg) is coming back despite his ankle woes! He’s practically wearing bloody socks. “The Cheese still have a month to go!”  This will turn the tide! Cottage will end up in first place!  It’s glorious, stirring… and sad. On this very day, the Cheese’s tepid play (sans Bird) has dropped the team 6 games behind. How can one Bird hope to turn this around?

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Portland: L, 2 – 5. (.115, .303, .269; no pitching). While all the Laments so far have focussed on the condition of the Cheese, they have always had broader appeal, especially to the dispossessed EFLers who’ve never won a championship. Might the new tone of dogged hope infect other teams? Sobblemetricians will be watching the Rosebuds closely for the remaining days of August to see if a team ten — I mean, eleven games out will find hope renewed by the  fromagian fire.

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Kaline: W 1, L (-1); 2- (-3). (.387, .441, .452; 3.3 ip, 0 er). The Drive played with more energy than any team ahead of them. Despite being 13 games back, might they be stirred to new hope by the Cheese non-lament? But hard on the Lament’s heels comes a news release: the Cheese trade Wil Myers to the Drive for Yoenis Cespedes, a patent rental. So the Drive have thrown in the towel, and have taken advantage of the Cheese’s impulsive change of heart to stoke Kaline’s future. And the Cheese are no longer relying  solely on a mere Bird, no matter how Big, to carry them back into the race!

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Peshastin: L, 2 – 6. (.053, .217, .053; no pitching). Here is a truly despondent team. It was an “off day”, sure, but the Pears still attempted 19 at bats — and managed one sad single. Like all the teams we’ve discussed, the Pears were once in the pennant race.  They even traded for an ace pitcher for the pennant race. Now 16 games out, the wilted team droops through its games.

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Old Detroit: W, 7 – 7. (.500, .667, .500; 11.3 ip, 7 er).  (All that hitting was just Josh Bell.) The Wolverines are among the most interested sobblemetric observers of  Cheese behavior. They have supplied pennant race rentals, either directly or indirectly to four of the seven teams ahead of them. If the Cheese’ new energy persists, or spreads to more teams, might the W’s supply more talent to hungry competitors?

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Canberra: W 1, L (-1);  (-1) – (-4). (.214, .267, .464; 5.3 ip, 0 er).  Kangaroo fans have generally had good reason to empathize with Cheesy laments. I don’t know that they would be moved by the defiant tone ending  the Seventh Lament. This would be an interesting topic for sobblemetric research: how do laments affect teams in even lower estate than the Lamenters? Or are they more likely to take comfort in their teams’ small victories (like Taijuan Walker’s 5.3 scoreless innings)?

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DC: DNP, (-2)- 1. (.136, .208, .409; 19 ip, 12 er).  No one else so far has taken up the Lament as an art form.  Might the Balk be candidates? Their owner is, after all, a man of letters. Wouldn’t you like to hear from the Main Balk how he feels about his team, which started August 6 – 0 but now seems to have slipped back into bad old patterns?  It could be in some other form than a Lament.

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AL East
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Flint Hill Tornadoes	79	45	.639	—
Boston Red Sox	71	53	.573	8.2
New York Yankees	66	57	.537	12.7
Old Detroit Wolverines	66	58	.530	13.4
Baltimore Orioles	61	64	.488	18.7
Tampa Bay Rays	61	65	.484	19.2
Toronto Blue Jays	59	65	.476	20.2

NL East
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Washington Nationals	74	48	.607	—
Miami Marlins	60	62	.492	14
Canberra Kangaroos	59	63	.480	15.5
Atlanta Braves	55	68	.447	19.5
New York Mets	54	69	.439	20.5
D.C. Balk	47	75	.382	27.4
Philadelphia Phillies	45	77	.369	29

AL Central
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Pittsburgh Alleghenys	84	39	.680	—
Cleveland Indians	69	54	.561	14.7
Minnesota Twins	64	60	.516	20.2
Kansas City Royals	62	61	.504	21.7
Detroit Tigers	54	69	.439	29.7
Chicago White Sox	48	75	.390	35.7

NL Central
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Cottage Cheese	78	45	.632	—
Chicago Cubs	66	57	.537	11.7
Milwaukee Brewers	65	61	.516	14.2
St. Louis Cardinals	63	61	.508	15.2
Pittsburgh Pirates	60	65	.480	18.7
Cincinnati Reds	53	72	.424	25.7

AL West
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Haviland Dragons	79	45	.640	—
Houston Astros	76	48	.613	3.3
Kaline Drive	71	53	.569	8.8
Los Angeles Angels	64	61	.512	15.8
Seattle Mariners	64	62	.508	16.3
Texas Rangers	62	62	.500	17.3
Oakland A’s	54	71	.432	25.8

NL West
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Los Angeles Dodgers	88	35	.715	—
Portland Rosebuds	72	51	.589	15.6
Colorado Rockies	68	56	.548	20.5
Peshastin Pears	67	56	.547	20.7
Arizona Diamondbacks	68	57	.544	21
San Diego Padres	55	69	.444	33.5
San Francisco Giants	51	76	.402	39