As your Commissioner, I am constantly scanning the environment for ways to improve our league. I am not picky. I’ll take inspiration from wherever it might come.
Friday morning I got inspiration from my own employer, George Fox University, which has created a “Presidential Appearance Request Form” (s00n to be known colloquially as the PARF). I know what you’re thinking, but it turns out this is not for Donald Trump. Apparently requests at GF for an appearance by our country’s President have not bogged down the university’s administration. So far. The form is for appearances by that other president, Robin Baker.
The form is a revelation. I hadn’t realized until I read through the form how many details have to be in place before President Baker is permitted to leave his office. There are 29 questions on the form! And it has to be submitted at least 6 weeks before the requested appearance! This is for appearances on or off campus. I presume the demand for President Baker’s presence has begun to exceed the supply. I suspect the official motivation for creating the form (to make it easier for his office to manage the demands on the President’s calendar) comes with an unofficial motivation (to discourage requests).
I should be empathetic for the President and his staff, taking into account the hassles they have been dealing with. But this time I got distracted from empathy by epiphany. I suddenly recognized a gaping hole in my existence:
No one has ever requested the EFL Commissioner to make an appearance.
The sole reason I can think of for the occurrence of this non-occurrence is this: no one has known how to request a Commissionerial Appearance. Without a handy tool to accomplish such a request, clearly people have forlornly abandoned the dream of having their chance to interact live and in person with such an august person as the EFL Commissioner.
And then I got creative: a handy form could be used to throw open the gates for requests for a Commissionerial Appearance just as easily as it could be used to close them a little. So, using as a template the 29 questions in the GFU PARF, here is the EFL CARF (my edits in bold):
Commissionerial Appearance Request Form
To assist the Office of the Commissioner in managing the Commissioner‘s schedule, please initiate any invitation for the Commissioner to speak or attend an event by completing this form a minimum of 6 weeks in advance of event (sic).The Commissioner strives to accommodate as many engagement requests (sic) that support the mission of the EFL. In the event the Commissioner must decline an invitation due to conflicts, please contact the Vice Commissioner in Charge of Treats in your area or another area to cover the event on behalf of the Commissioner. We appreciate your patience with scheduling the Commissioner‘s complex calendar.
It is expected that the requestor has followed procedures and obtained the approval of their administration prior to submitting the request.
Your email address (rmock@georgefox.edu) (hey, wait, that’s MY email) will be recorded when you submit this form…
1. Event Name/Title *
Your answer
2. Event Information (Please provide the theme of your event. Include how the event relates to your department’s overall program.) *
Your answer
3. Event Date *
Date
If that’s not at least six weeks from now, find someone else. Maybe the Vice Commissioner for Treats?
4. Event Start Time *
Time
If that’s before 9 a.m., forget it. But the Vice Commissioner for Treats will be up by then!
5. Event End Time *
Time
If that’s after midnight, forget it. Wait for the Vice Commissioner for Treats to get up.
Please include the name of the location and of the specific venue, address, etc. (For example, George Fox University, Bauman Auditorium, 1000 Fulton Street, Newberg, Oregon)
Event Location *
The Commissioner especially likes Enzo and Mateo’s house, Sun River, The Oregon Coast, Prasky Hrad, Playa Azul Costa Rica, Five Guys, pretty much any baseball stadium or hiking trail, Lord’s Cricket Ground, our back deck, and any body of water accessible by kayak.
7. President’s arrival time to event? *
Your answer
The Commissioner believes it is inconsiderate to arrive at a person’s home earlier than 2 to 5 minutes after the stated time. What if at the stated hour they’re running a little late and are still picking up the trash their dog chewed up in the living room?
8. Recommended attire for the event? *
Formal — Forget it. Unless this is a wedding or a funeral, the Commissioner isn’t wearing a tie.
Business — Ditto.
Business Casual — Maybe.
Casual — OK, now we’re talking.
Other:
— No, I am not coming in a suit: not business, not swimming, not law, not birthday.
9. How does this event relate to the Commissioner’s mission of preparing each EFL owner’s team to think with clarity, act with integrity, and serve with passion succeed almost as well as the Commissioner’s? *
Your answer
10. Is the person completing this form the Event Contact. (This is the person the Commissioner‘s Office will contact if questions (sic) and/or to confirm or express regrets). *
Yes
No
Other:
Other? What other response to this question is possible? “I will be as soon as I assassinate my boss”?
If you indicated “no” please provide the name, email and phone number of the Event Contact.
Your answer
What if you indicated “other”? I suppose it could make the EFL an accomplice to the murder of someone’s boss.
11. About the Commissioner‘s Role – what is the purpose and strategy for using the Commissioner? *
Your answer
Are you prepared for the Commissioner to use you, instead? Knowing the Commissioner, you’d better be.
12. Is the Commissioner‘s Spouse invited or expected to attend? *
Yes, of course, everyone knows she’s the saintly / heroic / inspirational / likeable / good looking one in the family.
No
If you answer “no”, the Commissioner will wonder what’s wrong with you.
Other:
Again, the Commissioner is having trouble with the “other” option. Do you want her to wait in the car?
13. Does the Commissioner‘s Spouse have a role? *
Yes
No
If yes, please explain. On second thought, if NO please explain. That would be the real mystery.
Your answer
14. Is this an annual event? *
Yes
No
If yes, has the Commissioner attended previously? * Is the Commissioner likely to remember the event? Why do you think he’d be interested in coming back to it?
15. Please describe the nature of the Commissioner‘s role. *
No remarks necessary, we just want him for decoration — which the Commissioner totally gets.
Welcoming remarks (3-5 minutes) because we all suffer from serious social awkwardness, and even the EFL Commissioner is warmer and friendlier than we are.
Short remarks (5-10 minutes) we need some filler to make our event seem weighty enough to justify people’s effort to come. Kind of like a graduation speech.
Speech (15-20 minutes) The Commissioner is the event. God help us.
Other:
Ah! An “Other” the Commissioner understands! This is clearly for all the roles that involve making remarks while not speaking. Perhaps the Commissioner could write a post while attending the event?
16. If speaking, please indicate the time at which the Commissioner speaks.
Your answer
If he’s not speaking, don’t worry, the Commissioner can wing it.
17. Describe the subject or topic for remarks
Your answer
Because why would anyone trust the Commissioner to pick a topic? Are you not paying attention to this very post?
18. Will there be an emcee? If so, please include the name below. *
Your answer
Another somewhat mysterious question. Although, to be fair, the Commissioner might have some enemies he would rather avoid. Say, people in the EFL he has called things like “Thunderhead” (even though it’s the perfect title for the top post in a Tornado hierarchy — and it’s not the Commissioner’s fault the name totally incidentally happens to also uniquely fit the top brass of the Tornados).
19. Who will be introducing the Commissioner? *
Your answer
Does this person even know the Commissioner? Are you sure? He doesn’t have all that many acquaintances… Maybe you are confusing him with his wife.
20. Event Format Details/Speaking logistics (i.e., set-up – podium, stage, etc.) *
Your answer
Wait — are you expecting the august Commissioner of the EFL to set up the podium, stage, etc.? You might be surprised how little this adds to the luster of your invitation.
21. Are there other speakers? If so, provide names, order of appearance and purpose of each speech.
Your answer
The Commissioner always scouts the opposition.
22. Any VIP guests? If so, please list names and title and, if relevant, how they are connected to George Fox University.
Yes
No
If yes, please list names and title and, if relevant, how they are connected to George Fox University.
The Commissioner is used to being upstaged, but even he has limits.
Your answer
If no — then you DON’T think of the Commissioner as a VIP guest? Granted, you have a point, but still, couldn’t we pretend? Just this once?
23. Does the President need to formally acknowledge the VIP or special guests?
Yes
No
The Commissioner needs help with this since he isn’t always sensitive to social cues.
24. Please select all that apply * Note the “all that apply”…
A meal will not be served
A meal will be served
The Commissioner gets so confused when meals both are and are not being served.
The Commissioner gets so confused when meals both are and are not being served.
The audience will be seated at tables
The audience will be seated theater style
The Commissioner would like to be seated somewhere if a meal is being served. Picnic style is his favorite, although there is no option here for that.
The Commissioner (& spouse) will be seated at a reserved table with other speakers/dignitaries or special guests. The Commissioner appreciates the implication that he is a dignitary, but really, we all know better.
The Commissioner will be seated on a raised platform or dais
This option is here because, apparently, he may be seated there by himself. Which, again, is totally understandable in a host empathetic to his other guests. Actually, I wonder how the Commissioner is expected to prepare differently for being by himself on a raised platform or dais. His acrophobia isn’t that bad. Maybe he should bring along some reading material.
Commissioner‘s attendance needed at reception or after-event function
Because the hosts are gluttons for punishment. Maybe they might be some kind of extreme competition group — the kind for whom marathons are just not painful enough.
Other:
Other? What could go here? Will the Commissioner have his back to the audience? Will there be a safe exit immediately next to the podium? Can the Commissioner check baseball scores during the event? Will there be raw onions on the menu? Will anyone be offended if the Commissioner pours his Quaker Oat Squares into a cup and adds peach or apple juice?
Comment
Your answer
25. Please describe the audience *
Donors
Prospective Donors
Students
Prospective Students
Prospective Major Leaguers? If not, why would the Commissioner want to come?
Parents/Families (Including Prospective)
Prospective parents? Prospective families? The place might be full of fiances and pregnant people?
Alumni.
If it’s Dan Brown, tell him we’re still reeling from the season he almost won without ever altering his roster or allocations.
Employees
Wait, we have employees? Oh, I get it, you’ve been listening to Dave grouse about his pay again.
External Community
You should know we don’t invite attention. And anyone who is willing to listen to stories from someone else’s fantasy league is probably not quite all there.
Churches
Entire churches might come? Plural?
Other:
Haven’t we already covered all the possible human categories? Might there be non-humans?
26. Expected Audience Size *
Please list their estimated sizes both before and after any meal that is and/or is not served.
1-20
20-50
50-100
100-200
200-400
400+
27. Is this a public event? *
Yes
No
Other:
Other again? What might be a non-public event that isn’t not public?
28. Is media expected to attend? *
Yes
Yippee! The EFL has never before been noticed by any non-EFL medium! Except once in the Salem Statesman Journal. Don’t tell me it will just be the Statesman Journal.
No
What else is new?
29. The following information is required to be provided to Missy Terry Dave Votaw, Chief of Staff EFL IT Guy, two weeks prior to the event: Agenda/timeline, PDF of the program, room set-up, background information, bios (other speakers, table guests or VIP guests), Invitation, and RSVP guest list (7 days prior to event). * Dave is used to getting steaming masses of confusion dumped in his in-box. Please format this data as a sketchy spreadsheet. He’ll appreciate it even though all this information (except bios) has already been given to us in this form. And good luck getting bios on all the other speakers, table guests, and VIPs. The Commissioner is hopeless with learning names, so it’s not like he’ll remember any of the bio data even if he does read it more than 7 minutes (ie, 2 hours) before the event.
I understand
Thanks for listening.
Please note: It is the responsibility of the arranger to contact Event Services, Catering and Media Productions for room reservations, food and media needs if the event is held on campus. *
But if the event is off campus, the Vice Commissioner for Treats will handle all this.
I understand
It is so nice to be understood by someone, finally.
Thank you for taking the time to complete this form. If approved confirmation will be sent from the Commissioner‘s Office. Include additional comments or questions below. *
Your answer
As you can tell, I put this together to give you something to read on Friday. Sure the Cardinals played the Cubs Thursday evening but who has time to do an entire update for just one game’s stats, especially when the Wolverines went just 2 for 9? Not me. I had to fill out this form.