Alliterative Initials (or, A Day in the Life of Jamie Johnson)

“Psychologists call it, ‘implicit ego,'” I say as I saunter up to you at the next EFL manager’s meeting. Uncertain you want to hear any more, but willing to humor me, you offer, “I’m listening, go ahead.”

“You know, when you find yourself drawn to things that are, generally speaking, like you. Some studies have focused on how this shows up in our attraction to other people. For instance, these studies say that the letters in your name will often strongly correlate to the letters in the name of the person to whom you are attracted.”

In disbelief, you utter, “That sounds crazy!”

“I know it does,” I counter. “But consider this: I married a wonderful woman whose name is Erin Oates. In her name are 8 different letters, all of them included in my full name, Jamie Robert Johnson.”

“That’s just one example, and you are…” You search for a way to politely say, “crazy,” but choose to say, “unique,” which can be interpreted positively but you intend for it to sting just a little.

Before you can offer any counter arguments, I carry on. “Have you ever noticed how many celebrities have alliterative initials? You know, like Jamie Johnson?”

You answer that, no, you haven’t really noticed, and you aren’t really sure where this conversation is going, but you know you want it to end soon.

“How can you not? They are everywhere! Look at the Marvel Universe – Lois Lane, Peter Parker, Silver Surfer, Wade Wilson. There are even websites devoted to this phenomenon. Do you know the name of the newest Spiderman?”

“Miles Morales,” you say. I shout, “Bingo!” Your face demonstrates alarm at how excited your answer makes me.

I see your eyes wander off, as though lost in thought, and I interpret that to mean I’ve begun to win you over. Instead, you begin to daydream about this conversation ending, remembering that the new Spiderman featuring Miles Morales is now on Netflix, and how much more enjoyable it would be watching it than sitting here and listening to me prattle on about inconsequential inanities.

I take your silence to mean you want more proof. “Or what about all the actors who have alliterative initials? Alan Alda, Janet Jackson, Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Chaplin, Danny Devito…”

I am now convinced that I have won you over.

Instead you say, “I can see this is very important to you,” and you pat me on the head like you would a small child who won’t stop talking about her favorite Disney show, though you really wish she would.

I search through the catalogues of useful information about this phenomenon that I have collected over the years, seeking something that will help you connect. And then it hits me, “Baseball!” I say out loud.

Seemingly an opportunity to change the subject you say, “Yes! Did you see Aaron Boone’s tirade yesterday?” But I don’t hear you. Instead I say, “Stephen Strasburg and Charlie Culberson!”

Burying your face in your hands, you know where this is going.

“Two of the coolest things in baseball yesterday were done by two guys with alliterative initials! And it happened in the same game! Stephen Strasburg, the Nationals star pitcher, doubled the amount of hits he has had all season. He came into game having earned 3 hits in 41 ABs, and last night he went 3 for 3, with a HR and 5 RBI. How cool is that? And then later in the same game, Charlie Culberson, the 30 year old journeyman infielder, came in to pitch and pitched a scoreless inning against a team that had touched up a good Braves pitching staff for 13 runs!”

You nod, and say, “That is pretty neat. Maybe there is something to this phenomenon. Oh! Didn’t Freddie Freeman and Touki Toussaint also play for the Braves? If this theory holds true, then I bet they also had amazing games last night.”

I chuckle nervously, knowing that Freeman and Toussaint actually had pretty bad games. But before he can open his MLB app and check the box score, I say, “See, alliterative initials are the overlooked secret to greatness. I’m glad I could convince you.”

You turn around and notice that, much to your surprise, there are three people waiting to talk to you after overhearing your conversation with me – the owners of the Cottage Cheese, the Peshastin Pears, and John Johnson, himself. Sensing what might happen next, and knowing that one more minute of having to hear about the “importance” of alliterative initials, you say out loud for all to hear, “Oh, look. My wife is here to pick me up.”

And then you realize what you had missed this whole time. The most important person in the world to you, the one you love with every fiber of your being, is named Melanie Mock. “Maybe Jamie is on to something,” you mutter under your breath. And the last thing everyone hears you say is, “Stinking Pickles.”

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(Ron’s added note: Mary Mock is Melanie Mock’s mother in law. Melissa Mock is Mary’s granddaughter. Your character has been aware of the greatness of alliteratively-named women for decades. However, for men, he is still open to persuasion.)