Utter reliability is what we want in an EFL Commissioner, turning out accurate updates and treating league members with absolute fairness. Like clockwork.
Instead we get this: the Dodgers suddenly 149 games back in the NL West with their 44 – 320 record.
It may FEEL that way in LA (or on Cottage Street) after the Padres beat them again last night, sweeping them for the first time in many years. But it was not a 288-game sweep. In fact, it was not even enough for the Padres to catch the Dodgers in the NL West race.
[But it was nothing! I literally added nothing to the LA record — a little zero!] [You have the right to remain silent, Commissioner. Use it for once.]Once the error was noted, I couldn’t figure out how to fix it. I was worried lest I ruin the entire update. Since the Dodgers don’t have the best record among NL West non-EFL teams, it doesn’t affect our EFL standings. I doubt it even gives the Head Cheese a heart attack. And I decided it wouldn’t hurt to keep this permanent record of EFL Commissioner incompetence in case he ever gets full of himself and needs a little unbouncing.
EFL Standings for 2021
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 54 | 20 | .727 | — | 435.1 | 266.5 |
| Kaline Drive | 49 | 25 | .661 | 4.9 | 386.1 | 274.8 |
| D.C. Balk | 46 | 23 | .667 | 5.3 | 381.4 | 270.8 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 48 | 26 | .643 | 6.2 | 359.6 | 268.7 |
| Peshastin Pears | 48 | 26 | .643 | 6.2 | 349.5 | 262.5 |
| Haviland Dragons | 47 | 27 | .634 | 6.9 | 367.2 | 284.4 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 41 | 28 | .601 | 9.8 | 350.6 | 290.2 |
| Cottage Cheese | 40 | 34 | .537 | 14 | 407.6 | 389.2 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 38 | 36 | .520 | 15.3 | 365.3 | 349.8 |
| Bellingham Cascades | 36 | 38 | .493 | 17.3 | 300.6 | 307.6 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 33 | 41 | .444 | 21 | 385.3 | 439.0 |
Old Detroit: W 2, L (-1); 15 – 3. (51 PA, .444, .510, .867; 1 ip, 0 er, 0.00 ERA) Thirteen Wolverines made plate appearances in MLB yesterday (even though 2 were playing for the Toledo Mudweasels — isn’t the EFL amazing?) Nine of them went 2 for 4. Two more went 1 for 3 with a walk, which is essentially 2 for 4. (Josh Bell went 2 for 4 with a walk, which would make him essentially 3 for 5, but what’s a little inconsistency among friends?) That means 11 of 13 Wolverine batters went 2 for 4. Gavin Lux only managed an 0 for 3 night, but even he walked. And do you know who had the highest rc/g of all 13 Wolverine batters? Jurickson Profar, who went 0 for 0 with a walk, giving him a rc/g of infinity.
There were seven doubles and three homers mixed in there for the Oldies. But they just added spice to the drumbeat. Every Wolverine reached base. Almost all of them 2 for 4. Like clockwork. Nightmarish clockwork to the rest of the EFL. Not quite Clockwork Orange, maybe. Clockwork Navy Blue.
Kaline: W, 3 – 0. (42 PA, .231, .286, .436; 8 ip, 0 er, 0.00 ERA). For all his protestations of satisfaction with being in the middle of the standings, the Wizard sure is spending a long time in second place. The non-EFL team with the best record at the moment — the San Francisco Giants — are 1.1 games behind the Drive.
With Jose Urquidy’s 7 shutout inning start, and homers from Jonathan Schoop and Taylor Trammell, the Wiz put together another solid win. It wasn’t enough to keep up with the Wolverines’ startling hyperspace leap yesterday, but it also didn’t do anything to relieve suspicion that the Wizard wouldn’t mind, after all, imposing upon us some Clockwork Orange.
DC: W, 6 – (-4). (40 PA, .226, .400. .323; 12.7 ip, 2 er, 1.42 ERA). For all the Wolverine zooming off in hyperspace, the Balk zoomed just a little bit faster, gaining 0.1 games in the race and leapfrogging the Pears into 3rd place. Dylan Cease (5.7 ip, 1 er) and Joe Musgrove (6 ip, 1 er) led the way with excellent starts. The offense was thin, with Bryce Harper’s homer being the only extra base hit, and six others managing only 1 hit on the day. On the other hand, the team took 9 walks involving 6 Balks, with Harper, Joey Gallo, and Xander Bogaerts each collecting 2.
A team calling itself the Balk are defiantly pooh-poohing clockwork reliability. But if we’re talking about something nightmarish imposed on other teams, I’m sure the Balk wouldn’t mind achieving some clockworkinaiety.
Flint Hill: W, 10 – 5. (47 PA, .300, .404, .550 — Happy Edgar Martinez Day! 15 ip, 5 er, 3.00 ERA). What a solid day, on both sides of the ball. German Marquez had the best start of the day, according to Baseball Reference, with his 8 ip, 2 hit, 1 earned run outing. And James Kaprielian did his part: 5 ip, 2 er. Jake Brentz took some of the shine off the day with his chulky inning (2 er).
Unfortunately for Tornado fans the world over, even with such a resounding win, the T’s slipped half a game further behind the W’s, and 0.6 games further behind the Balk. On the other hand …
Peshastin: “W”, 1 – 4. (44 PA, .154, .250, .231; 12.9 ip, 7 er, 4.88 ERA)... the Tornados passed the plummeting Pears. Even though they somehow convinced the database to award them a win, the Pears struggled on the mound and withered badly at the plate. Justus Sheffield had a rocky start (4.1 ip, 3 er) and Trevor Rogers didn’t do much better (5 ip, 3 er). Mike Zunino homered and walked to lead the scanty Pear offense. Normal Pear stars Mitch Haniger, Jazz Chisholm and (lately) Ryan Mountcastle were all 0 for 4. So the Pears dropped two places in the standings, 1.1 games further from first.
Haviland: W, 7 – 4. (35 PA, .250, .314, .625; 3 ip. 1 er, 3.00 ERA). Like their Flinty offspring, the Dragons had a solid win. Limited but good pitching was supported by hitters displaying .375 ISO thanks to homers from Brandon Lowe, Jonah Hiem, and Jake Cronenworth. Jose Iglesias was the only Dragon to fail to reach base safely.
Canberra: “L”, 3 – 1. (28 PA, .200, .357, .250; 12 ip, 2 er, 1.50 ERA) The database saddled the ‘Roos with a loss, apparently insufficiently impressed with Canberran pitching. In the database’s defense, Balk pitchers went 12.7 ip with only 2 earned runs. The Cannies can’t come waltzing in with only 12 ip, 2 er and expect the same outcome, can they?
There is good news, though. Kyle Tucker is back, getting half the team’s hits (2 of 4), one-third of the team’s walks (2 of 6) and all the team’s extra bases (a double). He went .667, .800, 1.000 on the day. [Almost as good as Jurickson Profar!] [I warned you to keep quiet!] [It’s a joke, relax.] The rest of the team went .118 .217, .118, but the team still sneaked above a .600 winning percentage. Canberra is still within 10 games of first, and are as close to second-place Kaline as the Drive are to the Wolverines. And they are much closer to 6th place Haviland (2.9 games) than they are to 8th place Cottage (4.2 games ). This makes the ‘Roos eligible to apply for admission to the Club of Very Good Teams Lurking In Case There’s A Pennant Race.
Cottage: W 1, L (-1); 3 – (-4). (42 PA, .351, .429, .514 — Happy Edgar Martinez Day!. 7 ip, 1 er, 1.29 ERA). Shohei Ohtani hit and pitched despite it costing the Angels their DH (which burned them later in a bitter 13-inning 9 – 3 defeat). But by the time the Angels melted down, Shohei was out of the game, having pitched 6 sparkling innings (1 er) — albeit going 0 for 3 at the plate. “Don’e about the hitting, Shohei,” said sudden star Abraham Toro, “I’ve got you covered.” Which he did, cranking the Cheese’ only homer on a 2 for 5 day. Alec Bohm (4 for 5 with a double), Jeff McNeil (3 for 5) and supershortstop Trea Turner (3 for 4 with a double) accounted for nearly all the rest of the offense, allowing the Cheese to use their off-day to trade in a loss for a win.
Pittsburgh: L, 5 – 8. (28 PA, .259, .286, .481; no pitching). No pitching was not good news yesterday, since it left the Alleghenys 6.5 innings short, requiring replacements to fill in. That explains the 8 runs allowed. On the offensive side, things were not quite so offensive. Jose Altuve homered, and Max Muncy doubled twice, to add some luster to a listless day — so listless, no pitchers bothered to show up. Thus the Alleghenys suffered the only clean, true loss recorded in the EFL yesterday, and avalanched 1.2 games further from first, and cascading 0.4 games closer to the Cascades.
Bellingham: “L”, 4 – 3. (24 PA, .200, .333, .250; 10 ip, 3 er, 2.70 ERA). Strong pitching kept the Cascades from being outscored yesterday. Kevin Gausman allowed 1 earned run in 7 innings to set up the good day from the mound. Unfortunately, Cascade hitting was not as good. Clint Frazier went 1 for 2 with a double and two walks (.500, .750, 1.000) but no one else did much. The Cascade winning percentage improved, and they gained on the Alleghenys and the Rosebuds.
Portland: “W,” 4 – 4. (35 PA, .226, .294, .387; 6 ip, 2 er , 3.00 ERA). These stats aren’t that different from the Cascades’. The pitching was just enough less not to cover an entire game, and that seems to account for most of the difference in outcome, and why the ‘Buds lost ground to the Cascades (as well as the W’s). Gary Sanchez homered again, and Mike Foltynewicz pitched a hearty 6 innings, to bring the Rosebuds close enough (3.8 runs to 3.9 runs allowed) to make it look like a win.
Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2021
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 54 | 20 | .727 | — |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 48 | 26 | .643 | 6.2 |
| Boston Red Sox | 44 | 30 | .595 | 9.8 |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 44 | 31 | .587 | 10.3 |
| New York Yankees | 39 | 34 | .534 | 14.3 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 37 | 35 | .514 | 15.8 |
| Baltimore Orioles | 23 | 51 | .311 | 30.8 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| D.C. Balk | 46 | 23 | .667 | — |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 41 | 28 | .601 | 4.5 |
| New York Mets | 38 | 31 | .551 | 8 |
| Washington Nationals | 35 | 36 | .493 | 12 |
| Atlanta Braves | 35 | 38 | .479 | 13 |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 34 | 37 | .479 | 13 |
| Miami Marlins | 31 | 42 | .425 | 17 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Chicago White Sox | 44 | 30 | .595 | — |
| Cleveland Indians | 40 | 31 | .563 | 2.5 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 38 | 36 | .520 | 5.5 |
| Bellingham Cascades | 36 | 38 | .493 | 7.5 |
| Kansas City Royals | 33 | 39 | .458 | 10 |
| Detroit Tigers | 32 | 42 | .432 | 12 |
| Minnesota Twins | 31 | 42 | .425 | 12.5 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 41 | 33 | .554 | — |
| Chicago Cubs | 41 | 33 | .554 | — |
| Cottage Cheese | 40 | 34 | .537 | 1.3 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 36 | 36 | .500 | 4 |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 36 | 37 | .493 | 4.5 |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 26 | 45 | .366 | 13.5 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Kaline Drive | 49 | 25 | .661 | — |
| Haviland Dragons | 47 | 27 | .634 | 2.1 |
| Houston Astros | 46 | 28 | .622 | 2.9 |
| Oakland A’s | 45 | 31 | .592 | 4.9 |
| Seattle Mariners | 39 | 37 | .513 | 10.9 |
| Los Angeles Angels | 36 | 38 | .486 | 12.9 |
| Texas Rangers | 27 | 47 | .365 | 21.9 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| San Francisco Giants | 48 | 26 | .649 | — |
| Peshastin Pears | 48 | 26 | .643 | 0.4 |
| San Diego Padres | 45 | 32 | .584 | 4.5 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 33 | 41 | .444 | 15.2 |
| Colorado Rockies | 31 | 44 | .413 | 17.5 |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 21 | 55 | .276 | 28 |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 44 | 320 | .121 | 149 |
Old Detroit: