At the Dancing Dragon

EFL Standings for 2016

Haviland: L, 4 – 4.  (.269, .286, .423; 2 ip, 1 er). It’s not like the Dragons are going out in a blaze of glory.  Their 8 healthy hitters managed only 27 plate appearances, three short of the minimum they need per day to stave off the replacements.  Even so, the Wolverines sink slowly behind them. Their Dragonish hearts are soaring, their scale-encrusted spirits rising, their taloned feet and leathery wings beginning to move to the songs they’re singing.

Old Detroit: L, 4 – 8.  (.220, .259, .380;  6 ip, 5 er). Madison Bumgarner became the fourth Wolverine starter in four days to blow up on the mound.  Moore went the famous 1 ip, 6 er on Wednesday. Then Hellickson (4.3 ip, 6 er) on Thursday, DeSclafani (6 ip, 5 er) on Friday,  and Bumgarner. (True, Hellickson was 0% active, but that only demonstrates the pervasiveness of the Wolverine pitching collapse).  Meantime, Wolverine hitters have been barely over replacement…  So it’s easy to see why the Dragons would already be dancing.  The Mighty Wolverines are dead in the water, pitching exhausted, hitters struggling, without any weapons left with which to reverse their drift further and further behind.  It’s party week in Haviland.  But, really, to gloat like that in public?  I will do my part to spare the Dragonmaster any retaliation, but my W’s are a proud bunch.  I can’t guarantee there won’t be a high hard one in a Dragon’s ear today.

Portland: L, 7  – 10. (.378, .489, .432; 3 ip 7 er). Nice offense, led by Justin Turner’s 3 for 3 with 2 walks.  But the pitching!  Earlier this month the Big Rosebud complained that Matt Strahm wasn’t getting his stats.  We fixed that by calling him Matthew Strahm. Strahm went 0.7 ip for 1 er.  Ah!  The irony!  But Strahm was Mariano Rivera next to Jason Hammel: 2.3 ip., 6 er.

Pittsburgh: L, 8 – 8.  (.275, .362, .451;  3.3 ip, 5 er). Yesterday I noted that the top 3 teams all lost while everyone else either won or “won.”  Saturday the malaise spread into the lower parts of the league.  Consider the Alleghenys, who had the second-best day in the entire league.  They hit very nicely, but their pitcher (Eddie Butler) stank.

Canberra:  L, 5 – 7.  (.297, .341, .432;  16.3 ip, 9 er).  Same as above, only at a slightly higher level of raw perfomance.  I wonder what I should make of this fact:  Ryan, in seeking role models to emulate when it comes to fantasy baseball, could have chosen the Wolverines.  So why the Alleghenys?  Is it their 6 championships as against the W’s 4?  Is it the classy way they handle themselves, regardless of their place in the standings? Or is there a limit to the degree to which a son wants to follow in the precise footsteps of his father — a limit Ryan has somehow already reached?

Peshastin:  L, 2 – 7. (.200, .275, .267;  1 ip, 0 er) Here we are back to the quiet futility with which our league leading teams approach their work these days.  Speaking of quiet — I did not detect a reaction from the Pears’ owner when John gave us that little look, even though he (Phil) was sitting right next to me on the pew.  Perhaps this is just because the Pears have already made their peace with not winning the league this year — a fact they had to face weeks ago. Maybe Phil didn’t see John’s jibe as being directed at Peshastin.

Flint Hill:  L,  4 – 8. (.222, .293, .333; 11.7 ip, 7 er).  Twin Tornado twirlers torched their team: Ventura (4 ip, 3 er) and Ray (3.7 ip, 4 er).  I think this is the second straight time the Yornado has trashed the Tornados.  Come to think of it — this is going to be a non-sequitur, but it did just hit me — Jamie leads worships these days, too.  So there’s a son following his father’s footsteps.  You never hear him kvetching about it.

Kaline:  “L”, 2 – 1.  (.156, .229, .281;  14.7 ip,  er) Hello! What’s this?  An EFL team that got great pitching, and managed to outscore its opponents? We can’t have that.  It’s a good thing the database slapped a paper loss on the Drive or they might start thinking higher of themselves than a humble wizard ought to do. While we’re doing non-sequiturs: I wonder how the Wizard manages these days, with the Mariners trying to take away the Tigers’ wild card spot?

Cottage:  L, 1 – 5. (.205, .255, .386;  4.3 ip, 3 er). Ok, here’s a team conforming to the current prevailing EFL standard: quiet, humiliating futility on the field. The Cheese are a relatively new team, but they have this thing down pat. Way down pat. Almost all the way down pat.

DC: “W”, 1 – 5. (.167, .167, .200;  7.3 ip, 4 er). On a day of paltry EFL offense, the Balk uncorked the paltriest.  But somehow they got the database to award them a win anyway.  I realize they are in a tight race for 39th place with the Twins, and the Twins beat the M’s Saturday, a surge that brought them within 1 game of the Balk — so having a paper win probably helped with any balky Balkan fans.  But we’re almost out of our supply of phony wins for the year, DC, and I suspect you’ve had at least your share. So let’s see if we can play it square from here on out, ok?