… because it’s someone else’s turn, then try beating the Mariners, like the guy in the picture did yesterday. They are pretty much the same team, except the W’s don’t have any really good hitters like Robinson Cano or Nelson Cruz. Or that EWIE Jean Segura.
.
EFL Standings for 2017
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Cottage Cheese | 34 | 15 | .696 | — | 272.4 | 177.0 |
| Haviland Dragons | 32 | 18 | .648 | 2.2 | 301.5 | 221.7 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 28 | 17 | .622 | 4.1 | 229.3 | 177.5 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 27 | 19 | .592 | 5.4 | 209.9 | 173.0 |
| Kaline Drive | 29 | 21 | .580 | 5.6 | 229.2 | 196.2 |
| Peshastin Pears | 29 | 22 | .565 | 6.3 | 244.7 | 221.5 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 29 | 22 | .560 | 6.5 | 278.6 | 240.1 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 27 | 21 | .558 | 6.8 | 245.2 | 213.2 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 19 | 27 | .416 | 13.5 | 179.4 | 214.4 |
| D.C. Balk | 17 | 31 | .355 | 16.6 | 224.5 | 303.5 |
.
Cheese: W 1, L 1; 12 – 8. (.281, .361, .531; 0 pitching). Must be nice, must be nice, to have lots of extra pitching on your side. So you can get through an entire double header pitcherless without having to dip into replacements. Also to have Mike Trout (2 for 4 with a homer and a walk)… no, I mean Travis d’Arnaud (3 for 5 with a double and a homer).
.
Dragons: “L”, 7 – 3. (. 250, .379, .542; 1 ip, 0 er). Sheesh — you’d almost think the key to success in the EFL is to avoid sending pitchers to the mound. With the Dragons’ minimal pitching, the top two teams fielded an average of 0.3 innings of pitching per game. Zack Cozart drove the win — well, the phony loss — with his 4 for 4 day, with a homer, a double, and a walk
.
Alleghenys: W, 7 – (-1). (.278, .438, .361; 23.7 ip, 5 er). I guess it’s ok to have some pitching, if your daily ERA is going to be only 1.90 — thanks mostly to Stephen Strasburg’s 7 shutout innings with 15 strikeouts and 1 walk.
.
Tornadoes: W, 5 – 3. (.455, .455, .545; 9 ip, 0 er). Brian Johnson’s not THAT good, is he, to pitch a complete game shutout? He’s 26, and this was his third appearance in MLB. His first was in 2015 (4.3 ip, 4 er, 3 so, 4 walks). His second was April 18 (5 ip, 4 er, 6 k, 3 w). Now a complete game with 0 er, 8 strikeouts, and no walks. What happened? Oh, wait, I see: he got to face the Mariners. That explains it. If you can’t pitch against the Wolverines, the M’s are a pretty good backup option. Oh, and one other thing: that Tornado of a batting line? It’s only 11 plate appearances from just 4 players. So that’s not as good as it looks.
.
Drive: W, 1 – (-6). (.159, .178, .227; 16 ip, 3 er). That wonderful pitching (Michael Fulmer’s complete game with only 3 er — obviously not facing the M’s — and Chase Anderson’s near no-hitter in 7 frames (1 hit, 11 Ks, 3 walks) made up for wolveritic excrement at the plate. A whole lot of it. 45 plate appearances (including the one walk). Michael Saunders hit a solo homer for the winning run.
.
Pears: “W”, 3 – 5. (.200, .333, .275; 6.3 ip, 3 er). Nothing remarkable here, except maybe Jackie Bradley Jr.’s long home run against the Mariners, and the beginning of the slide back toward 8th place I warned you about. This starts a string of 3 phony wins in a row in the EFL standings, which I believe either sets or ties the all-time league record for faux wins in a row.
.
Rosebuds: “W”, 1 – 4. (.222, .263, .250; 0 pitching). Nice try with the zero pitching gambit. But, to our mutual surprise, the Rosebuds don’t have the chops to go without pitching for a day and still win. Especially not with anemic hitting.
.
Kangaroos: “W”, 2 – 2. (.267, .283, .378; 3.7 ip, 0 er). Good relief pitching saved the day. This was only a “W” instead of a W because the ‘Roos got outscored by 0.1 runs.
.
Wolverines: L, 2 – 4. (.194, .242, .258; 13.3 ip, 9 er). Like giardia, once you get wolveritis you never really get over it. Those wolveritic bacteria live in your gut and look for any excuse to express re-multiply and make you sick again. Like yesterday. On the other hand, the W’s pulled a fast one on the demons out to ruin our season. Rob Whalen went to the mound for the Mariners, surrendered 3 runs in the first inning and ended the day with 5.3 ip, 5 er. So the demons were appeases… with a sacrificial lamb who wasn’t even active on our roster! The rest of our pitching staff went 8 ip, 4 er. I know, you wouldn’t be that excited about a 4.50 daily ERA, but we are easily thrilled this year in Old Detroit.
.
Balk: “L”, 3 – 3. (.250, .294, .281; 15 ip, 8 er.) Hmmm. The active batters didn’t really batter anything much. But Robbie Grossman and Omar Narvaez, down on the AAA Chevy Chase Twitch, combined to go 3 for 5 with two walks. The Balk team OPS: .575. The Twitch team OPS: 1.314.
.
Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2017
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| New York Yankees | 28 | 18 | .609 | — |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 27 | 19 | .592 | 0.8 |
| Boston Red Sox | 27 | 21 | .563 | 2 |
| Baltimore Orioles | 25 | 22 | .532 | 3.5 |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 26 | 26 | .500 | 5 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 23 | 26 | .469 | 6.5 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 19 | 27 | .416 | 8.9 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Washington Nationals | 30 | 18 | .625 | — |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 27 | 21 | .558 | 3.2 |
| Atlanta Braves | 21 | 26 | .447 | 8.5 |
| New York Mets | 20 | 27 | .426 | 9.5 |
| Miami Marlins | 17 | 30 | .362 | 12.5 |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 17 | 30 | .362 | 12.5 |
| D.C. Balk | 17 | 31 | .355 | 13 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 28 | 17 | .622 | — |
| Minnesota Twins | 26 | 19 | .578 | 2 |
| Cleveland Indians | 24 | 23 | .511 | 5 |
| Detroit Tigers | 23 | 25 | .479 | 6.5 |
| Chicago White Sox | 22 | 25 | .468 | 7 |
| Kansas City Royals | 21 | 27 | .438 | 8.5 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Cottage Cheese | 34 | 15 | .696 | — |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 26 | 23 | .531 | 8.1 |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 24 | 22 | .522 | 8.6 |
| Chicago Cubs | 25 | 23 | .521 | 8.6 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 23 | 25 | .479 | 10.6 |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 23 | 27 | .460 | 11.6 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Houston Astros | 34 | 16 | .680 | — |
| Haviland Dragons | 32 | 18 | .648 | 1.6 |
| Kaline Drive | 29 | 21 | .580 | 5 |
| Los Angeles Angels | 26 | 26 | .500 | 9 |
| Texas Rangers | 24 | 26 | .480 | 10 |
| Oakland A’s | 22 | 26 | .458 | 11 |
| Seattle Mariners | 21 | 29 | .420 | 13 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Colorado Rockies | 32 | 19 | .627 | — |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 31 | 20 | .608 | 1 |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 30 | 20 | .600 | 1.5 |
| Peshastin Pears | 29 | 22 | .565 | 3.2 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 29 | 22 | .560 | 3.5 |
| San Francisco Giants | 21 | 30 | .412 | 11 |
| San Diego Padres | 18 | 33 | .353 | 14 |