League Updates

¡Vive la revolution!

August 14, 2017
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There are some shocking surprises in today’s standings!

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EFL Standings for August 2017
EFL
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB RS RA
Pittsburgh Alleghenys 9 2 .796 — 55.7 28.2
Old Detroit Wolverines 10 3 .771 — 83.2 45.4
D.C. Balk 8 3 .690 1.0 68.9 46.2
Haviland Dragons 8 4 .676 1.5 59.3 41.0
Flint Hill Tornados 8 5 .588 2.0 58.3 46.2
Peshastin Pears 7 5 .577 2.5 55.7 47.9
Kaline Drive 6 6 .513 3.5 54.0 52.7
Cottage Cheese 6 6 .512 3.5 61.8 60.4
Canberra Kangaroos 5 6 .499 4.0 60.8 60.9
Portland Rosebuds 5 7 .443 4.5 53.9 60.4

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Isn’t that beautiful?  A real pennant race, with the Alleghenys and Wolverines going at it hammer and tongs like they should be, the A’s outstanding pitching trying to hold off the W’s awesome offense. And look who else is right there in the middle of things!  It’s our own cute underdogs, the Balk!

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It’s almost too good to be true. But I got these standings right off the EFL website.  They have the DVCV!  (The Dave Votaw Certificate of Veracity, for those of you who have never earned one.) They are absolutely current as of this morning. I processed all the transactions people (ie, Flint Hill and Old Detroit) posted, I fixed the problem of the missing Robbie Grossman, I entered all the stats, etc, etc.  These have to be true, if anything in this world is true.

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Yes, yes, if you dig around on the website, you might find different standings. Those aren’t any more valid than these — it’s mostly a matter of making slight adjustments to the timeframe — but they are way less fun.  How many of you think we should go with some other stodgy, hidebound standings, when we can  use these glorious, exciting, totally uplifting standings?

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Vote quickly, the polls are about to close.

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Polls are closed.  Here is the tally:

Pittsburgh:  did not vote

Old Detroit:   Go for the beautiful, inspiring, exciting standings above.

DC:  Beautiful ones. (DC voted by absentee ballot sent via telepathy.)

HD, FH, PP, KD, CC, CK, PR:  Did not vote.

The motion carries unanimously!  High fives all around.

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I am sure all of you — well, all the reasonable ones of you — will soon come to appreciate this wonderful outcome. Because here are the standings from which we have just been liberated:

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EFL Standings for 2017  (Stodgy Hidebound Old  Version)
EFL
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB RS RA
Pittsburgh Alleghenys 78 37 .678 — 653.4 448.3
Haviland Dragons 75 42 .641 3.9 688.8 514.5
Flint Hill Tornadoes 75 42 .637 4.5 602.5 453.2
Cottage Cheese 74 42 .635 4.8 628.9 472.6
Portland Rosebuds 69 48 .588 10.2 670.0 549.0
Kaline Drive 68 49 .577 11.4 581.8 494.6
Peshastin Pears 65 52 .552 14.3 571.2 521.4
Old Detroit Wolverines 61 56 .523 17.8 578.4 538.6
Canberra Kangaroos 53 62 .461 25 540.0 587.0
D.C. Balk 44 71 .386 33.6 566.1 718.3
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Pittsburgh: W, 8-6.
Haviland: W, 6 – 5.
Flint Hill:  W, 7 – 4.
Cottage:  W, 3 – 3.
Portland: “W”, 3 – 4.
Kaline: W, 7 – 5.
Peshastin: “W”, 3 – 4.
Old Detroit: L, 4 – 9.
Canberra: L, 4 – 5.
DC:   L, 7 – 8.
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Where’s the beauty, the fun in these old  standings? Sure, the Dragons managed to drag themselves back within 4 games of the flinty Alleghenys. Heroic, no doubt. But it leaves the second place Dragons about as close to the A’s as the 9th place Kangaroos are in the new standings.  In the new standings, the Dragons are only 1.5 games out.  See?  Even the Dragons are better off in the new standings.
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The Rosebuds might hesitate to endorse standings that put them in last place. But they’ll come around. They’re 5.7 games closer to first in the new standings.  And admit it: if you get Manny Machado and then immediately collapse this badly, don’t you deserve to be in last place?
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Our friends in Pittsburgh might call this a communist idea.  Didn’t the Alleghenys work hard to get where they are? Why should lesser folks be handed success on a platter when they’ve been lolling about, making so little effort to acquire the Corey Klubers, Jose Altuves, and Cody Bellingers of the world?
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But we have answers to that:
1.  You didn’t build that. Altuve was handed to you (originally) by a chump.  Kluber was handed to you by the guy who got him from the same chump.  You got lucky on Bellinger.  You exploit the labor of the masses. You were born on third base and think you hit a triple.
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2.  Other teams work hard, too. Look at how the Wolverines have recovered (most days) from their namesake wolveritis to forge an offense scoring 6.4 runs per game. Should accomplishment like that leave the Wolverines stuck in 8th place mud, 17.8 games out? If you’re so smart, why isn’t your offense scoring 6.4 runs a game?
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3.  And just in case you did build that — we aren’t taking first place from you. You’re still atop the standings. We are just sort of sharing the wealth a little, moderating the inequalities that undermine our league’s  democratic legitimacy.  We all know you’ll win anyway, even if we start from the new, more beautiful standings rather than the old, tiresome ones.
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Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2017
AL East
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Flint Hill Tornadoes 75 42 .637 —
Boston Red Sox 67 50 .573 7.5
New York Yankees 61 55 .526 13
Old Detroit Wolverines 61 56 .523 13.3
Tampa Bay Rays 59 60 .496 16.5
Baltimore Orioles 58 60 .492 17
Toronto Blue Jays 56 61 .479 18.5
NL East
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Washington Nationals 70 45 .609 —
Miami Marlins 56 60 .483 14.5
New York Mets 53 62 .461 17
Canberra Kangaroos 53 62 .461 17
Atlanta Braves 52 63 .452 18
D.C. Balk 44 71 .386 25.6
Philadelphia Phillies 43 72 .374 27
AL Central
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Pittsburgh Alleghenys 78 37 .678 —
Cleveland Indians 63 52 .548 15
Minnesota Twins 59 57 .509 19.5
Kansas City Royals 59 58 .504 20
Detroit Tigers 53 64 .453 26
Chicago White Sox 45 70 .391 33
NL Central
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Cottage Cheese 74 42 .635 —
Chicago Cubs 61 55 .526 12.7
St. Louis Cardinals 61 57 .517 13.7
Milwaukee Brewers 61 59 .508 14.7
Pittsburgh Pirates 58 60 .492 16.7
Cincinnati Reds 49 69 .415 25.7
AL West
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Haviland Dragons 75 42 .641 —
Houston Astros 72 45 .615 3
Kaline Drive 68 49 .577 7.5
Los Angeles Angels 61 58 .513 15
Seattle Mariners 59 60 .496 17
Texas Rangers 56 60 .483 18.5
Oakland A’s 52 66 .441 23.5
NL West
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Los Angeles Dodgers 83 34 .709 —
Portland Rosebuds 69 48 .588 14.2
Arizona Diamondbacks 65 52 .556 18
Colorado Rockies 65 52 .556 18
Peshastin Pears 65 52 .552 18.4
San Diego Padres 51 66 .436 32
San Francisco Giants 46 72 .390 37.5