League Updates

No Crying in Baseball?

August 27, 2019
2 Comments
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I was scrolling through the stories on MLB.com yesterday, and ran across the following headline:

“Judge’s tear makes Yanks more dangerous.”

I was genuinely surprised to see such an endearing approach to writing about this great game of baseball. I mean, we often hear of a players physical feats – the homeruns, the strikeouts, the diving catches – and how those plays saved the game for his team, or earned him another notch in the books of those looking to give out various awards at the end of the season.

But a single tear? When I was a kid I was told there was no crying in baseball. And now, look! Aaron Judge, the man they juxtapose to Jose Altuve to show just how massive he is, the one who with a simple swing of a bat can send a ball over 500 feet, is being touted for the power of a tear.

This opens up all kinds of possibilities. How about the MLB add an annual award called the MVP – Most Vulnerable Player? Whereas certain players have been chided in the past for taking off a few days to be present for the birth of a child, the league would actually be celebrating the player who showed the most vulnerability. And what is more vulnerable than crying in front of so many people? I should know, I do it often!

I think what I love the most about this story is that the writer demonstrates that crying is not just a part of baseball, but it is the very thing that is making Judge’s team, the hated Yankees (but maybe now they are a little less hated for being so vulnerable?), so powerful are tears! That would explain so much about their season, being so far ahead of the Rays and Red Sox while starting guys with last names like Tauchmann, Urshela, Ford, and Maybin.

So, in the name of providing a little more power for each of our teams, I’ll let you know what kinds of things you should encourage your players to cry about…because if one Judge tear can provide so much power for his team, just think about how many tears could propel your team in the season’s final weeks.

EFL Standings for 2019
EFL
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB RS RA
Portland Rosebuds 86 47 .647 — 823.5 608.1
Flint Hill Tornadoes 81 52 .607 5.4 813.3 650.2
Old Detroit Wolverines 78 55 .589 7.7 771.3 640.1
Pittsburgh Alleghenys 73 57 .563 11.4 703.1 605.1
Peshastin Pears 70 63 .529 15.7 696.7 658.3
Haviland Dragons 68 64 .514 17.8 734.6 707.9
Canberra Kangaroos 65 68 .491 20.7 725.2 741.4
Kaline Drive 64 68 .482 21.9 626.6 652.3
Bellingham Cascades 59 71 .456 25.2 619.1 679.6
Cottage Cheese 58 72 .449 26.2 741.4 804.5
Brookland Outs 56 74 .431 28.6 645.0 743.2
D.C. Balk 53 80 .400 32.9 597.3 735.1
Portland: W, 6-5 What does Portland have to cry about these days? Very little except for perhaps the lack of race there is at this point in the season. Wouldn’t it be more fun to wake up every day wondering if you were still in first or not? You are depriving yourself of the tears that could come by not knowing every day where you would be in the standings.
Flint Hill: “W,” 4-6 What do the Tornadoes have to cry about? How about the fact that they chose the worst month to play .500 baseball? Or that they never gain and never lose ground on first place? Or that the Wolverines will be insufferable if they end up passing Flint Hill by year’s end? Nothing at all. No, nothing at all.
Old Detroit: L, 7-9 OD gave us a glimpse into the source of their tears, and it is abysmal hitting over the past few days in response, we assume, to the false allegations made against Flint Hill’s management. They ended up scoring 7 runs today, but still lost. More fodder for tears! But don’t worry, as we have discovered, these tears are making you stronger.
Pittsburgh: DNP, 3-7 I am not sure what the Alleghanys could cry about, having won so many of the already previous EFL championships. Perhaps they could cry about a team ERA close to 5 this month? If so, a lot of us have reason to cry. The fact that they saved their best month until August? That might warrant a tear or two.
Peshastin: “L,” 7-4 The Pears are ripest now for tears to flow, for they scored 7 runs last night and still lost. On top of that, the Commissioner lambasted them in his update yesterday, saying that their great month had come to an end, and look! It did. The Pears certainly have a lot to cry about. But also, perhaps, happy tears for their youth movement that might come to fruition next season.
Haviland: DNP, 0-1 I’ve only seen Haviland’s owner cry twice in his life, so it might be that his team, in taking after their owner, has not tapped into all of its power. True, his catcher just became the fastest ever at any position to hit 100 home runs, which could lead to happy tears. But his middle of the pack standing might be too much to handle for his competitive spirit. Will tears come now?
Canberra: L, 5-6 Canberra ownership recently admitted that just now he realized he might not win the league. Having such a realization so late in the season, when perhaps the writing was on the wall two months ago, would lead some to tears. However, he might also find impetus to cry over the lack of innings pitched from his ace, Kluber.
Kaline: DNP, (-3)-3 The Wizard of Whidby recently made a slew of roster decisions mid-month that reflect how he is feeling. He has faced an inordinate amount of injuries this season, and he could no longer take it. I might suggest, however, a good cry next time instead of a swift chopping action. There might even be healing power in your tears!
Bellingham: W-1, L1, 0-3 Bellingham has had quite a first year, passing three teams in the standings who have already been in the league for a bit. But there are tears to be shed, of course. Justin Turner ended up expressing his feelings through anger the other day, and found himself suspended from future games. But what if he had cried instead? Maybe the Dodgers lackluster offense would pick up instead of averaging just 3 runs a game for the past week.
Cottage: L, 6-8 Cottage regals us with laments every year, but I am beginning to wonder if his verbal masterpieces are merely keeping him from crying the tears he needs to become a powerful force in the league. Instead of poetry, what if you spent more time bleeding from your eyes?
Brookland: L, 4-6 Brookland’s owner has been busy with administering a behemoth writing course at GFU, and I imagine he has also spent some time crying about it, because it seems to be hitting a pretty awesome stride that looks to be very promising and powerful in terms of teaching our students to write well. And it seems his pitchers have found ways to shed tears, for their ERA is so good this month. But perhaps tears can be shed over how many replacement innings he has had to accumulate, making his stellar ERA this month a little less star-like.
DC: “L,” 4-4 DC is the type of person who seems so even-keeled, though even he has to be thinking about shedding a tear or two. Being in the basement is lonely, and it seems hopeless, even worth crying about. But then, I imagine, he thinks about getting pick #1 next year, and his tears dry up. Let them go, Rob, and find freedom that will lead to the power you seek (namely, Yordan Alvarez!)
Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2014
AL East
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
New York Yankees 86 47 .647 —
Flint Hill Tornadoes 81 52 .607 5.3
Old Detroit Wolverines 78 55 .589 7.7
Tampa Bay Rays 76 56 .576 9.5
Boston Red Sox 70 62 .530 15.5
Toronto Blue Jays 53 80 .398 33
Baltimore Orioles 43 88 .328 42
NL East
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Atlanta Braves 80 53 .602 —
Washington Nationals 73 57 .562 5.5
Philadelphia Phillies 68 62 .523 10.5
New York Mets 67 63 .515 11.5
Canberra Kangaroos 65 68 .491 14.7
D.C. Balk 53 80 .400 26.8
Miami Marlins 47 83 .362 31.5
AL Central
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Minnesota Twins 79 51 .608 —
Cleveland Indians 76 55 .580 3.5
Pittsburgh Alleghenys 73 57 .563 5.8
Chicago White Sox 60 70 .462 19
Bellingham Cascades 59 71 .456 19.7
Kansas City Royals 46 86 .348 34
Detroit Tigers 39 89 .305 39
NL Central
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
St. Louis Cardinals 72 58 .554 —
Chicago Cubs 69 61 .531 3
Milwaukee Brewers 67 64 .511 5.5
Cincinnati Reds 61 69 .469 11
Cottage Cheese 58 72 .449 13.6
Brookland Outs 56 74 .431 16
Pittsburgh Pirates 55 76 .420 17.5
AL West
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Houston Astros 85 47 .644 —
Oakland A’s 75 55 .577 9
Haviland Dragons 68 64 .514 17.2
Texas Rangers 64 68 .485 21
Kaline Drive 64 68 .482 21.4
Los Angeles Angels 63 70 .474 22.5
Seattle Mariners 56 76 .424 29
NL West
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Portland Rosebuds 86 47 .647 —
Los Angeles Dodgers 86 47 .647 0.1
Peshastin Pears 70 63 .529 15.7
San Francisco Giants 65 65 .500 19.6
Arizona Diamondbacks 66 66 .500 19.6
San Diego Padres 61 69 .469 23.6
Colorado Rockies 59 73 .447 26.6

2 Comments

  • Now I get it! I thought that headline was about a rip in his uniform (wardrobe malfunction) that fired him and his teammates up to overcome their embarrassment!

    • That was Bellinger and those pesky Dodgers with the wardrobe malfunction. It didn’t help them, though…