I’ll be honest: on a day when John Means came as close as you possibly can to a perfect game, and when we celebrate Willie Mays’ 90th birthday, the headlines from the EFL are not going to measure up in drama or meaning. We didn’t even have anyone retire yesterday.
That’s not how Barry Hubbell taught me to write a lede. I’m not supposed to undermine the significance of the story. But who reads these intros, anyway?
EFL Standings for 2021
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 22 | 9 | .726 | — | 181.9 | 111.8 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 22 | 9 | .694 | 1 | 133.8 | 85.0 |
| Haviland Dragons | 22 | 10 | .683 | 1.1 | 139.5 | 96.1 |
| D.C. Balk | 21 | 10 | .681 | 1.4 | 172.1 | 120.0 |
| Peshastin Pears | 21 | 10 | .662 | 2 | 136.7 | 97.2 |
| Kaline Drive | 19 | 13 | .590 | 4.1 | 142.7 | 120.4 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 17 | 14 | .536 | 5.9 | 162.8 | 150.7 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 15 | 16 | .483 | 7.5 | 170.3 | 175.8 |
| Bellingham Cascades | 14 | 15 | .467 | 8 | 117.1 | 136.6 |
| Cottage Cheese | 14 | 17 | .465 | 8.1 | 179.8 | 196.2 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 12 | 17 | .414 | 9.5 | 125.2 | 152.0 |
Old Detroit: “L”, 6 – 1. (49 PA, .255, .265, .340; 16 ip, 5 er, 2.81 ERA) Oh the travails of the Wolverines! They:
* outscore their opponents handily;
* improve upon a .723 winning percentage (I originally wrote “sinning percentage” which I think would mean they’d cut their sinning rate somewhat from 72.3% — hopeful news!)
* used their 10th pitcher of the month…
… and still the evil cybermind running our league saddled the (newly?) innocent Oldies with a loss. No respect for Walker Buehlers’ sharp 6 ip, 2 er, nor Marcus Stroman’s lucky 5 ip, 2 er (2 more runs were unearned), nor the shutdown bullpen’s combined 5 innings, 1 er, spread over 5 pitchers.
Oh, and the W’s JP Crawford made the last out of John Means’ almost-perfecto, going 0 for 3, obviously.
Flint Hill: “W”, 1 – 3. (46 PA, .233, .283, .302; 5.7 ip 2 er, 3.16 ERA). See the injustice? The Tornados got outscored but they got a “win” and their winning percentage went up! How is that possible? (psst! ron! Yu Darvish, as the 9th Dragon hurler of the month, erased some penalty innings.) (Psst yourself! don’t interrupt.) Perhaps the Flinty sinning percentage also went up, when it bribed the cybermind. What good is a corruptible cybermind? We meat people are plenty good at corruption. We can all admire Paul Goldschmidt’s team-leading 3 for 7 on the day, with a homer. We don’t need the database gussying that up inexplicable wins. Although, in fairness, I will note the Tornados lost 0.1 games in the pennant race.
Haviland: W 2, L (-1); 13 – 5. (48 PA, .368, .468, .579 — Happy Edgar Martinez Day! ; 2.7 ip, 0 er , 0.00 ERA) Ramon Laureano led a powerful Dragon lineup, going 3 for 4 with a homer and a double. Two relievers brought the Dragon May pitching corps up to 9, and didn’t allow any earned runs, to boot. Thus the Dragons surged two places and 0.6 games in the standings, and improved their winning percentage by 0.022 points. So already we have the answer to the question Jamie posed yesterday: what’s going to happen to the rest of us now that the Dragonmaster has retired from his day job? It is not a pretty picture to any of us non-reptiles.
DC: W, 3 – 0. (32 PA, .167, .375, .292; 8.4 ip, 2 er, 2.14 ERA). The Balk cleverly spread those 8.4 innings across four pitchers, blowing past the 10 pitcher mark and securing a win. There were no hitting stars — despite my respect for walks, I can’t bring myself to bestow stardom on Pete Alonso for working 2 of the team’s 7 game-saving walks — but Martin Perez pitched well (5.7 ip, 2 er) and three relievers pitched even better. Thus the Dissies nudged up their winning percentage by 0.001, and kept pace with the W’s in the race.
Peshastin: L, 0 – 5. (36 IP, .139, .139, .194; 6 ip, 5 er, 7.50 ERA) The Pears have had their 10 pitchers, their 10th apparently coming yesterday, which allowed them to survive Freddy Peralta’s 4 ip, 5 er performance without further damage to their standings. The offense was hampered by their star, Mitch Haniger, being a victim of John Means’ no-hitter, and the refusal of any Pear to deign to take a walk or get hit by a pitch.
Kaline: W 2, L (-1); (-1) – (-6). (56 PA, .120, .124, .214; 25 (!) ip, 6 earned runs, 2.16 ERA) I think there might have been other no-hitters in the EFL before, but I am sure there’s never been one like John Means. I was pre-occupied by not EFL matters yesterday, last evening, and this morning — no, it’s the truth, it is possible — so I didn’t know about Means’ performance until I checked the Mariners’ box score after the game was over. The headline said it was a no-hitter, the box score showed no hits, with everyone going a simple 0 for 3 (including Kaline’s Kyle Lewis) … but also no walks. No hbp. No errors. Only 27 men reached base. Haggerty got caught stealing, but how did he get to first? Was he born on first and thought he’d hit a single? (Reference to Texas Governor Anne Richards’ famous line about George Bush Sr: “He was born on third base and thought he’d hit a triple.”) It turns out the only thing separating Means from perfection was a third strike that bounced away from the catcher… a wild pitch.
Congratulations, O Wizard, for Means’ brilliant no-no! Oh, and also for getting your 10th pitcher (and even your 11th).
Oh, and don’t think I didn’t notice your attempt to sneak across the moat protecting us in the top tier from you troublemakers in the, umm, more grounded tier. You are still closer to 7th place (1.6 games) than 5th place (2.1 games).
Had I looked at Kaline’s batting line, I might have thought their lineup was heavy with Mariners. But not a single Mariner appeared for the Drive yesterday. Jesse Winker continued his stealth journey toward major hitting star by doubling and singling for 1/3 of the 14-man lineup’s hits, and half their extra bases. None of the other Drive pitchers were in Means’ class yesterday, but they were still effective as a group, going 16 innings with only 6 earned runs. Newly-acquired deb Garrett Whitlock was the only one who pitched poorly: 2 er in 1 ip for a modest chulk.
Portland: W, 5 – 3. (47 PA, .205 .340, .308; 17.7 ip, 8 er, 4.07 ERA) A motley crew of five pitchers pitched decently, and more to the point, obliterated the 10 pitcher minimum requirement. Of the 12 hitters the Rosebuds sent to the plate, none were Mariners and Andrew Benintendi did the best: a double and a homer in 4 trips to the plate. Tyrone Taylors homer supplied 75% of the team’s extra bases, so getting 5 runs was pretty fortunate with this hitting.
Canberra: W, 7 – (-1). (26 PA, .250, .423, .500; 8.7 ip, 1 er, 1.03 ip) Casey Mize doesn’t deserve to be a footnote on the league’s news, not with 6 ip and 1 er, but he just happened to pitch the same day as John Means. The offense did its part with 5 hits, 5 walks, 1 hit by pitch, two doubles and a Mitch Garver homer — and carefully avoiding sending anyone to face Means. Thus the Kangaroos leapt over the Cascades (again), improved their winning percentage by 0.020 points, and gained 0.3 games on the leaders. Canberra still needs one more pitcher to take the mound.
Bellingham: “W”, 5 – 7. (35 PA, .233, .343, .333; 1.7 ip, 0 er, 0.00 ERA). No Mariners (dis)graced the Cascades’ lineup, so they were able to salvage a workable bottom line. But they didn’t get enough for a win, especially considering the Cascades still are one pitcher short of 10 for the month. Marcel Ozuna’s 2 for 4 with a homer was the lone offensive highlight.
Cottage: W 1, L 1; 7 -5. (37 PA, .125, .243, .219; 7.7 ip, 1 er, 1,17 ERA). Trea Turner homered, but no one else did much, especially not considering they were trying to cover two games. Shohei Ohtani pitched 5 shutout innings, but apparently didn’t bat. Thus the Cheese worked to stay out of the cellar. But actually they didn’t need to worry because…
Pittsburgh: L, 4 – 16. (41 PA, .237, .293, .368; 15.3 ip, 18 er, 10.59 ERA) … the Allegheny had a disastrous day. The hitting was unimpressive, even without any Means-tested Mariners. 5 pitchers pitched. Sonny Gray started off with 7 shutout innings, but every subsequent pitcher stank. Luke Weaver did the best: 4 ip, 6 er. Then comes Logan Webb: 3.7 ip, 6 er. Then Brian Garcia triple chulked (0.3 ip, 1 er). And to top it off, the delightfully named Lou Trivino royally chulked: 0.3 ip, 5 earned runs. The Alleghenys sank like a giant pile of rocks: 0.031 in winning percentage, and 1.3 games further out of first place… and 10th place.
Somehow it seems like retirement isn’t treating our two retirees equally. So far.
Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2021
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 22 | 9 | .726 | — |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 22 | 9 | .694 | 1 |
| Boston Red Sox | 18 | 13 | .581 | 4.5 |
| New York Yankees | 16 | 14 | .533 | 6 |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 17 | 15 | .531 | 6 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 15 | 14 | .517 | 6.5 |
| Baltimore Orioles | 15 | 16 | .484 | 7.5 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| D.C. Balk | 21 | 10 | .681 | — |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 16 | 15 | .516 | 5.1 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 15 | 16 | .483 | 6.1 |
| New York Mets | 12 | 13 | .480 | 6.1 |
| Atlanta Braves | 14 | 16 | .467 | 6.6 |
| Washington Nationals | 12 | 14 | .462 | 6.6 |
| Miami Marlins | 13 | 16 | .448 | 7.1 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Chicago White Sox | 16 | 13 | .552 | — |
| Cleveland Indians | 16 | 13 | .552 | — |
| Kansas City Royals | 16 | 13 | .552 | — |
| Bellingham Cascades | 14 | 15 | .467 | 2.5 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 12 | 17 | .414 | 4 |
| Minnesota Twins | 11 | 18 | .379 | 5 |
| Detroit Tigers | 9 | 22 | .290 | 8 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 18 | 13 | .581 | — |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 17 | 14 | .548 | 1 |
| Chicago Cubs | 15 | 16 | .484 | 3 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 14 | 15 | .483 | 3 |
| Cottage Cheese | 14 | 17 | .465 | 3.6 |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 13 | 17 | .433 | 4.5 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Haviland Dragons | 22 | 10 | .683 | — |
| Oakland A’s | 19 | 13 | .594 | 2.9 |
| Kaline Drive | 19 | 13 | .590 | 3 |
| Seattle Mariners | 17 | 15 | .531 | 4.9 |
| Houston Astros | 15 | 15 | .500 | 5.9 |
| Texas Rangers | 15 | 17 | .469 | 6.9 |
| Los Angeles Angels | 13 | 16 | .448 | 7.4 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Peshastin Pears | 21 | 10 | .662 | — |
| San Francisco Giants | 18 | 13 | .581 | 2.5 |
| San Diego Padres | 18 | 14 | .563 | 3 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 17 | 14 | .536 | 3.9 |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 17 | 15 | .531 | 4 |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 15 | 15 | .500 | 5 |
| Colorado Rockies | 12 | 19 | ||