Just when everything is settling into place, nice, pleasant, orderly, as they should be, a disaster comes along. Mischief. The work of imps, troublemakers, revolutionaries. In a single day they can undo a week’s patient labor.
We might mutter under our breath about rapscallions, hell-raisers, and other menaces abroad in our community, but in the end there is nothing to be done but get out there and paint over the graffiti, fix the broken bits on the decorative fence, and clean up in the garden where the rioters trampled the petunias. Patient, relentless work to restore proper order, even when the neighbors obviously fail to appreciate what you are doing to improve the neighborhood.
And maybe get a bigger dog.
EFL Standings for 2021
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 86 | 38 | .697 | — | 710.8 | 468.8 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 80 | 44 | .647 | 6.2 | 657.4 | 485.8 |
| D.C. Balk | 79 | 44 | .641 | 7.1 | 711.2 | 531.1 |
| Peshastin Pears | 78 | 45 | .633 | 8.1 | 619.6 | 474.9 |
| Kaline Drive | 75 | 48 | .606 | 11.3 | 660.2 | 532.9 |
| Haviland Dragons | 70 | 53 | .566 | 16.3 | 641.6 | 579.6 |
| Cottage Cheese | 69 | 55 | .558 | 17.2 | 704.7 | 642.3 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 68 | 56 | .547 | 18.6 | 634.0 | 575.5 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 66 | 57 | .539 | 19.6 | 626.5 | 592.6 |
| Bellingham Cascades | 65 | 59 | .521 | 21.8 | 537.5 | 515.2 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 57 | 66 | .467 | 28.4 | 649.0 | 697.1 |
Old Detroit: W (-1), L 2; 6 – 15. (48 PA, .244, .292, .378; 4.7 ip, 9 er, 17.23 ERA). For those of you having trouble empathizing with the bitter old man in the intro complaining about the kids on his lawn, please take a moment to see things from his point of view. He started the summer with only faint hopes of beautifying his yard. He struggled with plantings damaged in the hailstorms of life, and others that haven’t thrived as he thought they would. Even so, his place kept looking better and better. In fact, in the past week, it seemed to blossom, each day visibly better than the day before.
But this morning he went out to get the paper — this is an older gentleman who hasn’t taken the newspaper on paper in nearly 20 years, but his old habits survive — and he finds his yard a mess. The worst is his prize debutant rose, the Logan Gilbert, mangled and torn, its blossoms shredded after a night of mayhem (4.7 ip, 9 er). Sure, the Marcus Semien (3 for 4 wit a homer), Austin Riley (2 for 4 with a homer) and Tommy Edman (2 for 4 with a walk) still look good. But almost everything else shows visible signs of damage.
You all should be aware that those who damaged the Gilbert can all be identified by their Astros-brand sneaker footprints. The W’s Carlos Correa wears those, but he stayed on the sidewalk (somehow going only 0 for 4 amid a 15 – 1 shellacking of the Mariners), presumably urging his pals to stop their vandalism. His efforts (if there were any) were completely ineffective. Names have been taken and will be reported.
Don’t come to me professing sympathy for what we’re suffering. We can hear your celebrations, your revived talk of winning the EFL.
Flint Hill: W, 5 – 1. (35 PA, .250, .314, .500; 11.7 ip, 3 er, 2.31 ERA). Just the other day the Tornado front office was going on about the inevitability of a Wolverine win in the neighborhood Better Homes and Gardens competition. Somehow he has managed to keep his hands clean in the Logan Gilbert massacre. One thing is clear: no Tornado lifted a hand to help their Wolverine neighbors. Even Jarred Kelenic, who was sworn to protect the Gilbert, stood aside (0 for 4). Meanwhile, the rest of the Tornados were busy little bees, buffing up the Flinty precincts, like Tyler Naquin (3 for 3 with a walk) and Joe Musgrove (6 ip, 1 er). As a result partly of their own labors, but mostly of the violence done to the W’s, the Tornados gained a WHOPPING 1.6 games on the Woeverines, now sitting only 6.2 games out.
DC: W, 5 – 3. (44 PA, .317, .364, .390; 8 IP, 3 ER, 3.38 ERA). The Balk also kept their hands clean, at least in terms of direct participation in the ransacking of the Wolverine garden. Four Balks had two hits (Straw, Sean Murphy, Harper, and Alfaro) and one homered (Alonso). Triston McKenzie had another great turn on the mound (7 ip, 1 er), which was a good thing considering Martin Perez did not. DC gained 1.2 games on first place. .. but are probably slightly disappointed they didn’t work a little harder to keep pace with the Tornados.
Peshastin: W, 7 – 4. (39 PA, .242, .333, .545; 12.3 ip, 7 er, 5.12 ERA). The Pears kept pace with the Balk, but again, I suspect a bit of disappointment not to have taken better advantage of Wolverine misfortune. Mitch Haniger homered in brave defiance of the Astros during the Mariners 15 – 1 loss, and Ryan Mountcastle (homer) and Mike Zunino (a triple!) made major contributions, as did Luis Patino (6 ip, 2 er). Genesis Cabrera prevented the Pears from gaining even more ground by triple chulking (1 ip, 3 er).
Kaline: W, 5 – 4. (45 PA, .268, .333, .415; 7.3 ip, 3 er, 3.70 ERA). I suspect the Wizard has some strong words for two of his players who beat up Logan Gilbert: Jose Altuve (4 for 5 with two doubles) and Yuli Gurriel ( 2 for 5 with one double). I’d like to believe those would be strong words of reproof, but alas, I suspect they might be of praise. Paolo Espino might get more reproving feedback for his 4.3 ip, 3 er, which limited the Drive’s gain at Wolverine expense to a mere 1.1 games, much less than the standard benefit for teams of their general class. On the other hand, the Wizard is a kindly person, so maybe he just thanked Espino for not being as bad as Gilbert.
Haviland: “W”, 7 – 8. (30 PA, .259, .333, .556; no pitching). Without any pitching, the Dragons took a loss dressed up as a win, limiting their improvement in the standings to a mere 0.9 games. Amed Rosario (3 for 4 with a homer and a walk), Brandon Lowe (2 doubles in 4 AB) and Jake Cronenworth (1 homer in 4 AB) tried to make more out of this golden opportunity, but too many of their hitting colleagues took 0-fer days “off.”
Cottage: “L”, 8 – 6. (48 PA, .333, .375, .622; 1.7 ip, 0 er, 0.00 ERA). The Cheese steered clear of direct participation in the anti-Wolverine mayhem. In fact, some key Cheeses suffered their own personal mayhem. Shohei Ohtani went 0 for 4 with three strikeouts; Alex Verdugo also went 0 for 4, and while Abraham Toro wasn’t helpless in the abstract (1 for 3 with a walk), he was definitely helpless in the concrete: unable to do anything . On the other hand, Brandon Nimmo went 3 rfor 5 with a double, a homer, and a stolen base. Also, absolute do-nothing Adolis Garcia did something: 3 for 5 with two doubles – a key boost in Cottage’s 1.1 game leap in the standings. I think Dave owes Adolis an apology.
Pittsburgh: L, 6 – 10. (22 PA, .250, .318, .500; 6 ip, 8 er, 12.00 ERA). Another classy EFL owner steered his players away from the Gilbert mugging. Garrett Hampson victimized someone else with his homer, for example. The offense in general was solid, if a bit short of plate appearances. Unfortunately, the pitching didn’t hold up. Keegan Thompson escaped 4 innings with only 2 earned runs, but Lou Trivino chulked (1 ip, 2 er) and Anthony Bender’s bender didn’t bend enough to avoid a quadruple chulk (1 ip, 4 er).
Even though it was a disappointing day, the A’s gained 0.5 games in the standings thanks to the W’s catastrophe.
Canberra: “L”, 5 – 2. (35 PA, .281, .343, .375; 6.7 ip, 1 er, 1.34 ERA). Jake Odorizzi held the Astros assassins’ coats while they stoned the Mariners and beat up Gilbert. Odorizzi covered 5.7 ip, allowing 1 er. Otherwise the Kangaroos steered clear of the Seattle/Old Detroit carnage. Manuel Margot went 2 for 4 with two doubles against someone else, as did Wander Franco and his 2 for 4 with one double.
Bellingham: “W”, 3 – 6. (34 PA, .194, .265, .323; 6.7 ip, 4 er, 5.37 ERA). We are almost all the way through the EFL and have only fingered a couple of the miscreants who did all the damage to Wolverine (and Mariner) interests. None came from Bellingham. Jorge Polanco was one of the few who did much damage anyway (a homer in four at bats), along with Bryan De La Cruz (whoever that is) doubling and walking in four plate appearances. Kevin Gausman struggled (3.7 ip, 2 er plus 3 unearned runs), as did Andrew Chafin (1 ip, 2 er). Even though the C’s were outscored 6 -3, the database awarded a win, and the Cascades slashed 0.7 games from their deficit.
Portland: L, 3 – 8. (33 PA, .250, .313, .286; 9.6 ip, 7 er, 6.6 ERA). I thought the W’s and the Rosebuds had an understanding. All those days when Portland tracked the Old Detroit record, matching them step for step. When the W’s had a down day, I wondered if the Rosebuds would maintain solidarity. They sort of did — they batted weakly, with Luis Urias only going 1 for 3. And they pitched poorly. Even Eric Lauer struggled, allowing 3 earned runs in 4.3 innings, a nice dessert plate to go with Matt Harvey’s 5.3 ip, 4 er dinner plate.
My heart was warmed with all this solidarity until I saw the Rosebuds had, like everyone else in the league, taken advantage of Wolverine troubles to gain 0.7 games on them.
Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2021
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 86 | 38 | .697 | — |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 80 | 44 | .647 | 6.2 |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 76 | 48 | .613 | 10.4 |
| New York Yankees | 72 | 52 | .581 | 14.4 |
| Boston Red Sox | 70 | 55 | .560 | 16.9 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 64 | 57 | .529 | 20.9 |
| Baltimore Orioles | 38 | 84 | .311 | 47.4 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| D.C. Balk | 79 | 44 | .641 | — |
| Atlanta Braves | 67 | 56 | .545 | 11.8 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 66 | 57 | .539 | 12.5 |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 62 | 61 | .504 | 16.8 |
| New York Mets | 60 | 63 | .488 | 18.8 |
| Washington Nationals | 53 | 69 | .434 | 25.3 |
| Miami Marlins | 51 | 73 | .411 | 28.3 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Chicago White Sox | 72 | 52 | .581 | — |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 68 | 56 | .547 | 4.2 |
| Bellingham Cascades | 65 | 59 | .521 | 7.4 |
| Cleveland Indians | 60 | 61 | .496 | 10.5 |
| Detroit Tigers | 59 | 66 | .472 | 13.5 |
| Kansas City Royals | 54 | 68 | .443 | 17 |
| Minnesota Twins | 54 | 70 | .435 | 18 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 75 | 49 | .605 | — |
| Cottage Cheese | 69 | 55 | .558 | 5.8 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 68 | 57 | .544 | 7.5 |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 62 | 60 | .508 | 12 |
| Chicago Cubs | 54 | 71 | .432 | 21.5 |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 43 | 79 | .352 | 31 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Kaline Drive | 75 | 48 | .606 | — |
| Houston Astros | 73 | 50 | .593 | 1.6 |
| Haviland Dragons | 70 | 53 | .566 | 5 |
| Oakland A’s | 70 | 54 | .565 | 5.1 |
| Seattle Mariners | 66 | 58 | .532 | 9.1 |
| Los Angeles Angels | 62 | 63 | .496 | 13.6 |
| Texas Rangers | 43 | 80 | .350 | 31.6 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| San Francisco Giants | 79 | 44 | .642 | — |
| Peshastin Pears | 78 | 45 | .633 | 1.2 |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 78 | 46 | .629 | 1.5 |
| San Diego Padres | 68 | 57 | .544 | 12 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 57 | 66 | .467 | 21.5 |
| Colorado Rockies | 57 | 66 | .463 | 22 |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 41 | 83 | .331 | 38.5 |